Maioush

::YaAaAaAaAaWN:: it’s not even 8:00am (well, it will be by the time I BuBlish this Bost, it’s too early for me, allah wakeelkom mesh tay2a!

Any way, I was feeling like ranting, but then I changed my mind :) (Pretty schizophrenic I know!!), you guys I wanna tell you something, I noticed that I’m becoming a very mean, rude, ignorant, bel 3arabi… bad person!! :( I hate that, I know what the reason is and I’m gonna tell you about it bs tawlo balkom shwai…

As I always say, I’m a calm person by nature, I don’t yell, and I hate yelling, pretty patience, and I can call my self an understanding person,  but due to stress I became really impatience, I get irritated easily, it’s so not like me, I mean seriously, I hate it, and I’m mad at myself and at people due to that fact, it’s like I’m mad at myself cuz I’m getting mad easily now… HUH!! Say that again, that doesn’t even make any sense!! Bs hada elli ejakom! :(

Now, why am I stressed out?? Hmm, very good question, well, sara7a ya3ni, o mn el a5er… tomorrow is my lat day at work, and Monday I’m starting another one, I’ve been looking for the past 3 weeks, things has been unstable where I’m at, I started as a contract, and “as they said” things will be clear by the time your contract comes to an end, well… I’m don’t’ feel like going into details, but they are not getting me the deal I was looking for, so I decided to leave and look for a better place, I’m pissed off shwai, and I hate that fact that I have to start all over again training and batee5, ya jama3a I just started this job 6 months ago, 6 months was enough time for them to finish the paper work, but guess what, when the people who are suppose to handle these things are dysfunctional, that’s what you get!!

::talking to myself:: 5alas Mai enough, inshalla things will be better (and stable) in the other place, stop being such a baby!!

Tayeb, I wanna say SORRY and 3an jd SORRY to every and single one I’ve been 7aywaneh with for the past 2 or 3 weeks, I’m truly sorry, I promise I’ll be back to normal as soon as possible. :)

Da3atkom! :)

See, I told you it will be late by the time I’m done, it’s 8:40 now (in my defense, I was working on the side :) )

I personally do not really believe in good and evil. I get irritated when people simplify things to something black and white. It just doesn’t work that way, in a lot of cases. Like the poor man who steals so he can buy his dying wife some medicine that he can’t afford to keep her alive. Technically, society should be helping the less fortunate instead of allowing a man to resort to stealing in order to keep someone else alive.

Good and evil, like when I hear my friend talking about how she hates lions because they kill animals. Pfft, why don’t people like this just turn vegetarian? It’s one thing to be annoying and vegetarian; it’s another to be selectively caring of an animal’s fate. Sure, the abattoir doesn’t involve people running after zebras and strangling them to death, but surely people recognize that the slabs of meat they engulf everyday has to come from somewhere? Just because it comes on a nice styrofoam plate with hardly any blood and backed by very bright lights doesn’t make it better, it doesn’t diminish any responsibility. We’re able to just go about doing what we do, without any thought to where that meat comes from.

Who knows where the meat comes from anyway? Have you ever been in an abattoir? Have you ever seen the slaughtering of cows, goats, sheep? How am I supposed to know that the cheap beef in the supermarket isn’t from somewhere else like cat or dog? Could you kill an animal yourself? Our society now, where people cringe at the thought of slicing a chicken’s neck open, I can’t help but wonder if this is a good thing.

Then again, that’s something to think about as well, the act of just not thinking about things which leads us to live like blind men.

I haven’t posted anything in ages, it seems to be getting worse as I get older. I seem to be posting less and less, and I do apologize but I cannot help it. It’s not the fact that work has been crazy everyday for the past three weeks, or that I’m afraid of my boss reading my blog because he can see it on my facebook profile, or the fact that most of my opinions might get me fired, hehehehe but that I’ve just seemed to lose my inner voice.

My inner voice has plagued me since I was a child, always thinking and never shutting the hell up. I used to do anything I could to drown it out like reading books, watching television, you know, mindless stuff that kids do nowadays to destroy their mental well-being. Yeah. Now it seems, I have succeeded. Well, sort of. I still think about the same things that I rant about over and over again.

There seems to be an underlying trend though, people just following something so blindly and being told that it is wrong without considering the other side of the fence. For example, deforestation and development. I can understand a person’s fury if a forest were cleared for a golf course however, I cannot understand a person’s fury if it’s for a new housing estate or industry. Obviously the land is needed for the benefit of human lives, would we deny third world countries the same sort of development that we have already done? It’s really easy for someone to say this when they’ve had clean running water, a solid roof over their heads and a walmart for all their needs. Curse those people in huts and shanty towns, how dare they destroy our planet. Why don’t they recycle? Those idiots!

Why don’t people think about these things, it’s not that hard, really. I mean, all you have to do is consider a topic beyond what any medium has told you. I blame the intarweb and mobile phone entertainment. Obviously human ignorance has been happening since the beginning of history but you’d think with the… increased(?) free flow of information that, that would have been abolished. Nope, now it’s worse because we don’t have an excuse. It’s worse now because children would have been exposed to more information than their grandparents and not have enough time to digest that information.

As a person who is guilty of trying to destroy her mind in her younger days, I can understand it. Keep your mind busy, don’t think. Play a mobile game, listen to some music, watch a movie, watch television, go play a sport, go sleep, etc. We all hate to be bored, but sometimes it’s necessary. It is when we are bored that we ponder the great questions of life. My theory is that instead of the toilet being the throne of contemplation, the toilet is just a place where we are shut out from any external information and are thus able to ponder and think. Unless of course, we have a mobile phone.

Now with the dawn of mobile entertainment and the cursed mp3 player, everybody may be entertained at all times of the day and never have to think. We have become the zombies that our predecessors have warned us about. Just steps away from Orwell’s 1984 but then again, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe we were all zombies in the first place, it’s just that now we’re entertained zombies. Huh, how about that?

(Hey, managed to rant quite a bit about not being able to rant. Yeah!)

Well, I personally believe that it may exist but only between two people who are completely and utterly unattracted to each other. I bring in this case my friend and I. He insists on not being named, because he’s a major jerk. He and I have known each other for about 8 years now which is a pretty long time if you think about it. We’ve done the whole hours on the phone, went out together, studied together (and that iwas more than 10 hours a day thing), graduated together and we’ve fought like a crazy psychotic people before. The thing is, at least on my end, I am utterly not attracted to him at all. It’s not such a bad thing, I’m not insulting him, he’s an awesome guy it’s just that I don’t have feelings for him in that way.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has a really solid friend who is of the opposite sex. Any takers, anyone?

What is it with people who don’t talk to you awhile and just ask you for some advice out of the blue. Obviously I’m more than willing to help a fellow human being, cough, but pissed if I would help a human being who only speaks to me for the sole purpose of extracting some knowledge from me. It irritates me to no end, honestly, sometimes I feel used for having this knowledge just because lots of people are just too lazy to type a phrase in google and find out the answer for themselves. The worst thing is when they ask me medical questions. Sure, I probably know more than you but most of my knowledge comes from… Google. If GOOGLE has helped me, I am sure that it will help you too.

I’ve decided I’m not helping anyone again unless they bother talking to me regularly. Honestly, it’s really rude to message someone after a few months of silence just to ask a question and go on your merry way. It’s even more annoying when it happens a number of times. especially from this particular person. God, I hate that guy, I seriously do. Freakin calling me from overseas to get answers, 7ell ya!!!

Good riddance, go find someone else to bother.

It’s been a while since I last posted new songs right?? I mean you know me and my addiction to the Arabic music :D …  Well, I have few of my favorites here, first I have the new hit for Carol Smaha (Yama Layali) very nice song, I’ve been hearing it om ROoana Radio every 15 minutes lately :).

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Second I have Hosam Habeeb and Aseebak La2, it’s a very cute song, Hosam is one the people that you look at and you feel like he is super innocent, he is very light with blue eyes, I don’t like those, but he is such a cute little boy (yes boy) he looks like a 7 years old boy with that face :D

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Then I have Mohamad Majzoob (Ana A3mel Eih), I just love that song, I discovered today that he was in some kinds show on MBC I guess, I don’t know, but the song is really nice, it’s playing in the car since last week.

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Last and please don’t be surprised , please please please :) it’s Razan and Enta Ba2a or (tab Aaa) , the video clip is sooooooooo stupid, and I really hate Razan, her voice is flat, and she makes very weird expressions on her lips while singing, but I just enjoyed the song today when it played in the car while driving especially the part where she says (yaba wela wela yaba yana yaaa) :D I guess that’s the only park I like in the song, I know I know it’s weird but I don’t know why I like it LOL!

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I’m sorta dedicating this post to a good friend of mine who has officially joined the circle of damaged goods. Most of my friends seem to be damaged goods now, I don’t know whether it’s because we’ve just been alive long enough to experience a higher probability of being damaged or whether the damaged just congregate together.

Now, I’d like to say right now that he’s a wonderful guy, very good looking and extremely kind BUT he’s had his heart stomped on and put in a blender one too many times. Yes, the damaged and the damager is anyone and everyone. You can be more fortunate than others and still have something destroy your being even for a little while. I think I’m going to refer to ground zero damage as being in the blender.

The worst thing about being in the blender is that you do the most stupid things that you wouldn’t ever do at a normal period of time in your life. It’s the usual things, you play around, you get a haircut, dye your hair, go on a major shopping spree, you change your boyfriend/girlfriend, you get a pet, you decide that it’s time to adopt or give birth to your own child, you find someone that you might have fallen in love with but ended up destroying every single fiber of innocence that (s)he may have had left.

I’m willing to admit now that I’ve been in the blender. I’m also willing to admit that being in the blender was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had and that I’m sincerely sorry to whoever else I turned into damaged goods in the process. It’s happened, it’s how I got turned into damaged goods in the first place. It’s how my new blender friend has turned into damaged goods too. It’s a horrible plague of broken people breaking other people in the process while trying their best to glue the pieces of their miserable lives back together.

It’s really sad to think that at any one moment there’s a few hundreds of thousands of people miserable because of heartache. Ok, I know it’s quite inconsequential compared to famine and wars but the whole phenomenon of love is a really interesting subject.

Anyway, there’s nothing much else I can say about damaged goods without talking about my own experiences… Not very ideal.

Welcome to the ring of misery, friend. Hope you realise what you’re doing right now will destroy who you’re with too

I started this blog so that I could just to kill the time here in LA, whine, and rant to my hearts content without having to worry about boring the hell out of my friends. I could write all I wanted, and even if my friends wanted to read it or not, that’s cool. I don’t really mind or care if they read it or not. I used to have an anonymous blog too, that I gave to very special people who were really close to my heart and I used to love the anonymity. At least then, I could show an even more secret part of myself. Finally able to let all the tension in my life go, it was an absolutely gorgeous feeling.

We all know how it goes, the longer your blogs on the blogosphere, the more people read it. You get more famous, you start to meet new people and you lose sight of what made you start blogging in the first place. People notice you now, it’s not like the times where you were a quiet little site nobody cared about and you could just go crazy and really be yourself. A little part of you dies, just like a little part of you dies every single day. You kill yourself in the virtual world as you do in real life. Every single time you accommodate another persons expectations to what you should be, you die. Every time you make an excuse for the person you are, you die.

Sure, it’s definitely a naive look at the world however everyone knows that feeling where they have to do something just out of duty but not desire. The older you are, the better you get at it and you need to do it to get by. We’re losing our new hope, we’re destroying what was once a place where you could be anything you wanted to be. Will we only realise this when it’s lost completely? Or when you realise that you’re a shell of the being you once were…

It’s ridiculous to say that being in love with someone doesn’t inevitably change you in any way. I don’t mean that when someone loves you they poison you, just that they probably kill some bad parts of the old you, which is probably a really good thing anyway.

I can’t say for a fact that I’m completely healed from a variety of things but I guess I’m still dragging my broken body and spirit from one day to the next.

It’s amazing what a few bad relationships can do to your psyche. I’m not just talking about bf/gf relationships but with friends and family too. A bad relationship has the ability to shatter your trust in many things. It breaks you down to a new level. You’re not physically hurt, but your mental being faces a near fatal blow that you need recovering from. Your mouth’s dry, your gut feels heavy, you’re more sensitive to any new pain that comes you way.

It generally takes a longer time for you to recover from a bad relationship than a physical illness. All you can do is to try to push through the misery and disillusionment you feel to try to trust again and open yourself up fully. It’s always a risk that you take whether it’s allowing somebody new into your heart or forgiving someone who’s wronged you terribly.

All love is slow poison, we all kill little parts of ourselves in order to sustain any relationship. It’s always a give and take situation, there’s no two ways about it. We barter the little shreds of our personality until there’s nothing left of us at the end of the road.

Relationships are the luck of the draw, you never know what you’re going to get. It’s not always a bad thing though, it’s about finding someone you can trust.