On your 60th Birthday

297371_10150771291985438_7922005_nI wish you were here today, even for just a little while, so I could say Happy Birthday Baba, and see your face one more time.

The only gifts today will be the gifts you left behind; the laughter, joy and happiness, precious memories.

Today I’ll do my very best to try and find a happy place, struggling to hide my heavy heart and the tears on my face.

I’ll sit quietly and look at your picture remembering you, hoping you’re doing ok in Heaven up above.

May the angels hold you close and sing you a happy song, and I’ll be sending wishes and prayers to you today and every day.

You will always be in my heart, I remember your face, I remember your smile,   I remember your laugh, I remember your tenderness, I remember how you protected me and I know you still do.

You’ve been with God for quite some time, but the years will never let me forget, I will always remember you forever in my heart.

Baba, god’s garden must be beautiful, he always takes the best, he knew you were suffering, he knew that you were in pain, and saw your tired face, he then looked down upon the earth, he put His arms around you, and lifted you to rest.

He knew that you would never get well on Earth again, he saw the road was getting rough, and the hills were hard to climb, so he closed your wary eyelids, and whispered “Peace be thine.”

It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn’t go alone, for part of us went with you.

The day God called you home…

Filled Under: Personal, Thoughts

what I learned from grieving

- No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.

– You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.

– “Stop avoiding and be present”.

– “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies.  It is not peaceful or prepared.  You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real”.

– A hospital death is not always a bad death.

– A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.

– “There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.

– “Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye”

– Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.

– When people offer support, take them up on it.

– People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do.  Don’t feel bad throwing it away.

– People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.

– People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.

– Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.

– There is no such thing as closure.

– There is no timeline for grieving.  You can’t rush it.  You will grieve, in some form, forever.

– “There will always be regrets.  No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.

– Guilt is a normal part of grief.

– Anger is normal part of grief.

– “The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can”.

– Grief can make you question your faith.

– “Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages.  Grief is messy and confusing”.

– Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.

– Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals.  And that isn’t always a bad thing.

– We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.

– “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”.

– You may find comfort in a very unexpected places.

– “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.

– Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.

– “It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance, if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how”.

– “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.

– Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.

– Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.

– “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.

– Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.

– People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve.  Ignore them.

– “The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.

– There is no normal when it comes to grieving.

– Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

– “It is normal to feel numb after it happens.  The tears will come. They come in waves”.

– Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).

– Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad.  But eventually it can be nice to “introduce” them through stories and photographs.

–  “People love to judge how you are doing.  Watch out for those people”.

– You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.

– Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.

– “Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief”.

– There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.

– Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things.  They may be what you need at the time, but you may regret them later.  Cut yourself some slack.

– Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.

– Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.

– It is okay to cry sometimes.

– It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.

– “Time does NOT heal all wounds”.

– “Grief re-writes your address book”. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not.  People you never expect become your biggest supporters.

– “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it”.

– It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.

– You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.

– Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.

– You will never go back to being your “old self”.  Grief changes you and you are never the same.

– Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.  Eventually you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever.  None of these things will diminish your love for the person you lost.

– Death doesn’t just happen to other people.

– You are the only one who can say how you should feel.

– It is okay to be angry that people say stupid things, but remember they showed up to show their support for you and their respect for the deceased. Remember that, not the stupid comments if you can.

– You may find the person you lost was the glue that held your family/friends together. You might drift apart temporarily or permanently, or you might find new glue.

– Grief, You can’t go around it. You can’t go over it. You can’t go under it. You have to go THROUGH it or you have to go WITH it.

– When it comes to grief, there are no rules.

– Process guilt, but don’t keep processing it over and over to the point that it is harmful or unproductive.

– “Why?” and “What if…?” are unanswerable. The trick is to figure out how to live without the answers.

– You will forget – things about them, or them altogether for a moment – and this will bring a new style of guilt. You will remember them in unexpected ways.

– Sometimes grief will become a habit, it feels safe because you’ve been grieving so long that it starts to feel like part of you, like you don’t know how to be happy, or content, or calm.

– Grieving will feel like you are keeping that person in your life, but you can be happy without ‘letting them go’

– Losing someone you love is like an amputation, no matter how well you learn to get around, you will never be the same.  You don’t ‘get over’ it, you just adjust.

– Every death is sudden.

– Sometimes you can’t physically say goodbye to a person before they die and that can be devastating.

– The term closure is not helpful.  Bank accounts are closed, windows are closed, but the love we carry for those closest to us never closes.

– Too many people will try to impose time limits on your grief.

– It DOES get better.  Slower than we wish, but it does.

– For many people grief is cumulative. Each subsequent death of a person important to us is amplified by the grief we experienced over those who predeceased them.

– People of great faith, profound belief, trust in the Divine, and anticipation of an afterlife are not immune to grief. Those who say if you grieve you don’t truly believe are woefully wrong.

– Do not allow anyone to tell you how to grieve.

– Do not gauge your grief by the way others grieve as everyone is different.

– The death of a loved one does not prepare you for the death of the next loved one.

– Grief can bring physical pain.

– Years later, you may have a moment when you forget that person is dead, and you will lose them all over again.

– Grief lasts a lot longer than sympathy.

Filled Under: Thoughts

100 Things I Want To Teach My Daughter

1. Chocolate is only a temporary fix.Mai and Mira

2. A properly fitting bra is not a luxury. It is a necessity.

3. Your happiness is your happiness and yours alone.

4. How to apply red lipstick.

5. How to wear the crap out of red lipstick.

6. A boyfriend does not validate your existence.

7. Eat the extra slice of pizza.

8. Wear what makes you feel gracefully at ease.

9. Love the world unconditionally.

10. Seek beauty in all things.

11. Buy your friends dinner when you can.

12. Try with all your might to keep in contact with far-away friends.

13. Make the world feel at ease around you.

14. Walk with your head up.

15. Order a cheeseburger on the first date if you want to.

16. Never, EVER bite your nails.

17. Swipe on some lipstick, put on your leather jacket, and sneak into a party somewhere.

18. Learn from your mistakes that night.Victoria trip

19. Dental hygiene is not multiple choice.

20. Take pictures, but not too many.

21. Your GPA is not a confession of your character.

22. There is strength in breaking down.

23. You don’t have to like yoga.

24. Pick a tea.

25. Take care of your feet.

26. Pick a perfume.

27. Even if you’re tall, wear the heels anyway.

28. Classy is a relative term.

29. Like what you like.

30. Offer no explanation.

31. You are no less of a woman when you’re in sweats and gym shoes than a woman in stilettos and a pencil skirt.

32. A woman is a woman is a woman.

33. Love your fellow woman with all your heart and soul.

34. Cry, uninhibited, with your friends.

35. Laugh until you can’t breathe with your friends.

36. Tell me everything.

37. Exercise to be strong and healthy. A beautiful soul needs a sturdy vessel.

38. There is no shame in hoping for love.1017207_10152987396540438_502658204_n

39. My cooking is the best cooking.

40. Anna Karenina. I’d like it if you read it.

41. The world spins on the principle of inherent tragedy.

42. Do not be blind to it.

43. Men are effectively idiots until the age of 30.

44. Carbohydrates are not the enemy.

45. Involve yourself in an organized activity of your choosing.

46. Listen to classical music occasionally.

47. Take hot baths.

48. Do not use bath salts.

49. You are more than capable.

50. I promise.

51. Don’t smile if you don’t mean it.

52. Mean your anger. Mean your sadness. Mean your pain.

53. I am always, ALWAYS listening.

54. Travel.

55. Make me furious.

56. Make me worry.

57. Come home smelly, tired, and with a good story.

58. Your story isn’t really yours.

59. You are a compilation of others’ stories.

60. Well-fitting and modest is ALWAYS sexier than too small and tight.

61. Who cares if glitter isn’t tasteful?

62. It’s too much eyeliner if you have to ask.

63. Learn to bake for when you’re sad and I’m not there.551102_10153293656735438_1895304679_n

64. Humility and subservience are not synonyms.

65. Wash your face twice per day.

66. Be gentle with your skin.

67. Science is really cool.

68. So is literature.

69. And history.

70. And math.

71. There is no substitute for fresh air.

72. Carry your weight.

73. Make up for it later if you can’t.

74. That salad is not better than pasta and it never will be.

75. You’re fooling no one.

76. Find at least three green vegetables you can tolerate.

77. A smoothie is not a meal.

78. Expect the best from everyone.

79. People will let you down.

80. Bask in the sun (wearing a sunhat and sunscreen).

82. There is a certain kind of man you need to avoid at all costs.

83. You’ll know it when you meet him.

84. What other people say is right doesn’t always feel right.

85. What feels right is where your happiness is.

86. Give thoughtful gifts.

87. Form an opinion.10575916_10154659174395438_17467554_n

88. Stick to it.

89. Exfoliation in moderation.

90. Argue with people when you need to.

91. If it’s worth fighting for, fight fiercely.

92. Don’t fight for acceptance.

93. You shouldn’t have to.

94. It’s not your job to keep the people you love happy.

95. It’s OK to disagree with me, and others.

96. You are so very beautiful.

97. There is no single person who can be your everything.

98. Money doesn’t grow on tress

99. Follow your bliss at all costs. (I’m cutting you off at 22, though).

100. Chocolate ice cream, however, might just be a permanent fix.

Filled Under: Thoughts

Happy Mother’s Day Mamti

!cid_4FB1504E-0325-4E7E-B589-9D91B91A666FMama, you will never know how much you mean to me; you have helped me in so many ways, you have given me advice when I needed it, you have made me strong when I was weak, you gave me a shoulder when I needed to cry, you have held my head when I was sick, you mean everything to me, if only I could give back half of what you have given me, you have made me this woman that I am today, the mother that I am today, you are a remarkable woman, to have you has a mother, I would never have it any other way, you are one in a billion, you will always be my hero, always and forever.

If I knew as a child what I know now, Mama, I probably wouldn’t have made things so hard for you. I would have understood that you were looking out for my best interest, even though it may not have seemed so at the time. I would have known how difficult it is to let go, to stand back and let someone you love learn from their mistakes. I would have realized how fortunate I was to have a mother who was always there for me, even after an argument, even after I’d said things I shouldn’t have. I know how often I took you for granted when I was growing up. I always assumed you’d be there when I needed you, and you always were.  But I never really thought about what that meant till I got older and became a mother myself, I began to realize how often your time and energy were devoted to me. So now, for all the times I didn’t say it before, thank you, Mama.  I appreciate how loving you are, how giving you’ve always been and that even though I may not always be good at showing it.

I love you very much,

Mai

Filled Under: Thoughts

Awkward Situations — Vol 2: On a Plane

Awkward SituationsSo I travel to LA a lot, about every 3 months or so, I always brace for the impact of encountering airline passengers; when people are treated like cattle, they can hardly be blamed for reacting like baboons.  Here, rules of engagement for the most ruthless form of travel.

Pre-flight
Awkward Situation: Despite the airline calling for people to board by seat rows, 150 people are clustered around the gate, jockeying to get to the front.  You seem only to have two options:  shove your body through the masses like a teenager at a Jonas Brothers concert, or literally be the last person to board (forfeiting your access to overhead bin real estate).

Solution: Follow traditional traffic rules.  A coworker used to works at Swerve, a driving instruction company.  He says most people on the road should already know the common-courtesy rule of “Each one lets one.”  The same applies here.  As you move like so much human sand through the hour glass, let one person go in front of you and then someone else lets you in.  We hope.

Takeoff
Awkward Situation: 
You are finally seated and prepared for takeoff, when the person next to you reveals the undeniable fact that they are a Chatty Cathy.  Your eyes glaze over at the prospect of speaking for two hours with a total stranger whom you will never see again in your life.

Solution: Engage in minimal small talk until takeoff, wherein you pull a book from your bag and show it to the Cathy, saying kindly, “Have you heard of this author?  She’s supposed to be fantastic.  I’ll let you know how it is!”  And then promptly open it.

Beverage Cart
Awkward Situation: It’s your first official day of “break” and you and your friends are eager for a little yule-tide cheer — in the form of a beer.  Or wine.  Or cocktail.

Solution: Plane rides are not the time to party-hardy.  When you’re stuck in a stationary position and can’t even converse with more than the two people next to you, you’re not in a place to have too good of a time.  Just have one drink and pay with cash.  Order quietly so you’re not obnoxious.  Don’t ask twenty questions to see what brands they carry — check ahead of time by looking in the airline guide in the pocket in front of you.  Then raise a glass and cheers to a safe flight.

Switching Seats
Awkward Situation: The person next to you asks if you would please switch seats with their spouse so they can sit together — but said spouse is 15 rows behind you and in a middle seat.

Solution: If you can swing it for a short flight, consider it your good deed of the week and say you’d be happy to help.  If you are already sitting with your own spouse, kindly explain that you understand their situation but you would like to stay with your traveling companion.  Also, even if you aren’t traveling with someone, you’re under no obligation to move seats.

Bathroom Break
Awkward Situation: You’re practically bursting at the seams after four diet Sprites and two hours of resisting the urge to visit the dreaded airline bath-closet (how could we call that a room with a straight face?).  But there are three people already clustered around the stewardess area waiting their turn.

Solution: It depends on your seat.  If you’re middle or window, get up as soon as possible to expand the amount of time between disruptions of your seat mates.  If you’re aisle, wait until there is only one person or no line at all before hopping up.  Also, keep in mind that the people in the unfortunate seating of the last few rows of the airplane shouldn’t have to stare at your backside that hovers directly in their faces as you wait for the bath-closet.

 

Warm thanks to those of you who sent in great etiquette conundrums.  For those of you who have yet to inquire, feel free to ask about your awkward situation at mai@maioush.com

What to eat3 months ago, if you had asked what my favorite foods were, I would have replied, bread, rice, bread, chocolate, bread … and did I mention bread and chocolate? I pitied my gluten-intolerant friends and rolled my eyes at the trendiness of “everything-free” diets. So of course it happened: I found myself struggling with health problems, followed by the discovery that I, too, was one of those people whose sensitive to gluten, dairy, or refined sugar. As someone who loves food, this seemed like a tragedy. Little did I know it would reinvigorate my cooking, not to mention my health and happiness.

Here’s how I cut out my favorite foods and what I learned along the way…

Few months ago I finally got sick of being fat. Without veering into TMI territory, I’ll just say I had been suffering for months, and even years, from digestive troubles, skin conditions, migraines, fatigue, mild depression, you name it. My health practitioner suspected I might be eating something I was allergic or sensitive to and suggested an elimination diet. That’s where you stop eating certain foods for a period of time and note any symptoms as you add them back in, one by one.

Desperate to get to the bottom of my health problems, I agreed to go a month without eating common trigger foods like gluten, corn, dairy, eggs, nuts, soy, and refined sugar.

And then I started feeling better — so much better that I almost didn’t mind when I discovered that I’m sensitive to gluten, dairy, and refined sugar. (The only foods I was able to add back in were eggs, corn, and soy.) My worst nightmare had come true, yet I felt great. The funny thing is that friends and family seemed more sad about my new diet it than I did!

That’s not to say there weren’t challenges as I navigated different ways of cooking and eating. Being a picky eater has made it particularly difficult. Yet I am so much more appreciative of what I can eat, and of food overall. I still have a lot to learn, which is part of the fun, but here are a few significant things I’ve discovered in the past year.

Note: This post is not meant to suggest any specific way of eating or to provide health advice but simply to share some things I’ve learned about eating and cooking with joy and passion, even when you have to make difficult changes.

8 Things I’ve Learned About Cooking Without Gluten, Dairy, and Sugar

1. Listen to your body. Even though I might feel great on my particular restrictive diet, I’ve come to believe that each person’s body is different with individual dietary needs. Bodies change, too! I’m discovering that what worked for me might not work now, and what I need today could change tomorrow. As an example, I’ve recently been able to reintroduce small amounts of dairy, including some that had triggered symptoms since childhood. Without being obsessive, I continually reassess how I am feeling and eating.

2. Nourishment goes beyond taste. We’re accustomed to thinking about the flavor of food in our mouths, or how full it makes our bellies, but how about its effects on energy and mood? After years of feeling sluggish after eating, it was a revelation when I changed my diet and started feeling energized after a meal. I am much more mindful about how food makes me feel in my whole body, both physically and emotionally.

3. Focus on learning, not missing. As someone who loves food, I initially felt unmoored when I could no longer cook like I used to. But as I transitioned to new ways of eating, it reinvigorated my cooking and I’ve had so much fun experimenting and learning about different ingredients and techniques, from the science of gluten-free baking to making homemade sauce and raw desserts. Staying curious has saved me from feeling sad about what I’m missing.

4. It’s okay to fail. I say this after making plenty meals that ended up in the trash. Yes, it’s frustrating when you’ve invested time, money, and hope into a dish that doesn’t work, but with every mishap you learn how to be a better and more resilient cook. It helps to have a sense of humor, too.

5. Gluten-free and/or vegan doesn’t necessarily mean healthy. This is especially true for processed foods, which may be filled with refined flours, sugars, artificial ingredients, and fillers. While pre-packaged foods may be fine from time to time, I don’t make them staples of my diet. Instead, I focus on homemade, simple, seasonal cooking.

6. Asian markets are amazing. I regularly shop at Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, and Indian grocery stores where I find great deals on gluten-free Asian noodles made from ingredients like rice, mung bean, and sweet potato; gluten-free flours like acorn, chickpea, and sorghum; and coconut products like oil and milk that are all the rage in vegan recipes. (Note: These products usually aren’t certified gluten-free so they might not be the best option for everyone.)

7. Plan ahead. When you can’t eat common ingredients, it becomes much harder to grab lunch on the go or to eat dinner at a relative’s house. I always carry snacks in my purse and usually eat a little something at home (even a quick sandwich) before going out to dinner with friends.

8. Find what inspires you. For me, it’s fresh produce, wild foods, and spices. Whereas a trip to a bakery or even a regular grocery store can be demoralizing, at the farmers’ market, spice shop, or even in the woods I’m surrounded by an abundance of foods that I can eat! I love seeking out fruits, vegetables, herbs, and spice blends I haven’t tried. These make a meal interesting and exciting.

Do you follow a special diet, or cook for someone who does? Share what you’ve learned!

That Awkward Moment

cartoon-chasing_300In the spirit of social situations (how’s that for alliteration?), let’s address those awkward encounters that we find all too frequently — and what we can do about them.

And by “we” I mean that these are true stories of my own, or friends who shall remain nameless.

 

Over Email

Awkward Situation: You receive an email from an acquaintance explaining that you are indeed invited to a mutual friend’s baby shower this weekend, despite failing to receive a timely invitation due to a “miscommunication.”  But won’t you please still come?

 

Solution: Without a trace of commitment, blithely reply that she needn’t apologize since you have plans that day anyway, but should the opportunity arise you may make an appearance.  Still go if you can, because after all, your friend shouldn’t suffer because of this acquaintance’s forgetfulness.

 

In the Office

Awkward situation: You and only one other person are walking down the hallway toward each other.  He kindly says hello and initiates a conversation as he walks toward you.  As you smile broadly in response and open your mouth to reply, you find there are not just two of you in the hallway.  This person is speaking to the nice man behind you.

 

Solution: Pretend that smile was just the daily one you give to everyone.  Also, always carry a mug so your hands are occupied, and you can use it as a decoy to look purposeful – hmm, is my cup empty?  Let me spend three seconds looking inside.

 

At an Event

Awkward Situation: You are at a social event, and here comes that woman who clearly knows exactly who you are and is thrilled to greet you – but if your life depended on it you could not recall her name.

 

Solution: Grab your date/husband/person-standing-nearest-you and cheerfully ask Mystery Woman if she has met the person whose name you actually know.  That will automatically prompt her to introduce herself, providing infinite relief to you as you say in your head, “YES!  I knew it was REBECCA.”  Then try to use her name at the beginning/end of a sentence at least twice before you move on to get something to drink.

 

On the Phone

Awkward Situation: A friend innocently asks “What are you doing on Saturday?”  They could be inviting you to the best party of the year, or asking you to help them move apartments for six hours.  You simply can’t tell by this open-ended question.

Solution: Since this person thinks it’s OK to back you into a social corner, you are free to be direct.  Briefly say, “I’ll have to check – what did you have in mind?”  Otherwise, if you should say, “Nothing, I’m free,” your friend could say, “Perfect!  I need someone to help me sort through my Tupperware,” and you’re trapped.

This situation is awkward enough that it merits an extra tip: when inviting people to do something, just straight-out ask them.  For instance, “Hey, I’m going rock-climbing this weekend, would you like to join me?” is so much more inviting than, “You free this weekend?” which seems to imply that your invitee has no life.

 

To have your most pressing etiquette questions addressed, please write to mai@maioush.com.   Also, if you think it’s funny to write to me as “Dear Maioush,” you already have an etiquette issue we need to address.

New Year’s Day 4 Years ago… Remembering Baba.


BabaWhen my father passed away on New Year’s Day of 2010, while death had previously impacted my life, losing him was unlike any emotional pain I’d ever experienced. His death literally sucked the oxygen out of my body. It felt hard to breathe. It suddenly felt like a large chunk of who I was; my DNA, my backbone, the person who had been with me since the very first day of my human experience was no longer tangible. I couldn’t just pick up the phone and hear his voice, I couldn’t wrap my arms around him and envelop him in a hug, I couldn’t tell him how much I simply adored being in his presence. I was simply out of time. I’d never felt the sting of death in this way- or comprehended the type of finality it entailed.

The truth is none of us have enough time. There’s never enough time to be with those you love. And even after a year of his battle with cancer, and the idea that I could somehow make peace with the fact that we were going to lose my father, whether he died at 55 or at 95 – I think it would always feel like there was never enough time to spend with him. I’d always want more; one last kiss, one last chance to say I loved him, one last chance to see a twinkle in his eye. Ultimately losing him at 55 has changed the trajectory of all of our lives. I think death in a family does that– it just changes everything.

The loss of my dad has forced me to re-evaluate the limits I put on myself and the relationships I hold dear. It’s brought my tolerance for other people’s bad energy to zero, and so if I don’t feel like being in a situation where I know I’ll be uncomfortable, where I would have sucked it up in the past, now I just won’t do it. It’s also made me acutely aware of how utterly short our time is here, and that once the switch on our life is turned off, that’s it, we’re done.

I want to say I believe in the afterlife– and I am forever looking for pennies, butterflies, some sign from my dad– but sadly I’ve gotten nothing- and I guess right now, at this moment in time- I believe this is it. The right here and now- it’s all we have and all we can truly enjoy. And oddly enough that was the attitude my dad had – one I never could quite grasp. He never seemed to truly allow any situation to get him mired in sadness, pity or doubt. He just moved along, whistling, and being this incredibly optimistic force. I miss him like crazy – I want to talk to him every day, I want to hear someone call me “Maio”, I want to hug his tiny, frail body, I want to see his smile.

I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him how grateful I am for all the times I never told him how much I appreciated him- like the time he used to drive with me every day when I started a new job and I had to drive the freeway for the first time, him and mama used to ride with me every day at 6AM, and drive the car back home to come and pick me up at the end of the day to let me drive home, all this just to make sure that I’m safe while driving on the freeway. I miss my daddy, my hero, the first man I ever loved. But I can’t spend every day feeling spiteful, angry at the universe, angry that he was taken, angry that he’s not here to share in the joys of my kids. I can’t walk around in a haze of sorrow and self pity because that would be antithetical to the way he lived his life.

So to my dad, happy New Year wherever you are, if indeed you are anywhere. If a soul does live on in some form or energy I want to believe you are soaring, like a star burst, just all light and love. And Daddy, thank you for all the gifts you’ve given me, especially the gift of understanding the value of time and that I need to be cognizant and appreciative of every day I have on this planet and with those I hold dear.

You will always be in my heart,

Mai

Happy 4th Birthday Mira

912441_10153038862310438_1375861888_nMy beautiful sweet blessing, deeply loved and treasured.

I adore you…and love you to pieces!!!  Now, as your mama, there are some things I’d like to tell you…My child, my first born, but let me start with knowing the truth of who you are.  Like fine china, my darling daughter, you are made beautiful by your creator, the God of the universe, the King of all, and the savior of my soul.  He is so good to have given you to me.

You are joy.  You are beauty. You are woven together by God in a perfectly fashioned, unique personality that sprinkles my life with happiness and fun.  I eagerly await getting to know the depth of your inmost being – all of who you are and who you will be.

Today you turned four years old. For months you’ve been talking about your birthday. You’ve been telling everyone everywhere we go that it’s your birthday soon; at school, at the store, in the restaurant, and even at the airport you happily exclaimed to the TSA, “December 24 is my birthday, I’ll be four years old!” He and I both laughed at your exuberance. Your excitement about your big day was pretty charming.

You’ve done a lot of growing up this year. You’re leaving the shell of your toddler years behind and you’re headed straight into kid territory. It’s kind of terrifying and exciting all at once.

As a mom, there’s this small side of me tangled up in emotions about the reality that most of your life lived so far you’ll never remember when you’re my age. And that’s kind of sad when I think about it. All the cuddles we’ve shared and giggles we’ve delighted in, you won’t remember when you’re older. Some of the best moments of my life shared with you, won’t really be a part of your memories.

On the other hand, a few moments when I’ve really blown it, you may not remember those either. Like the time you attacked my makeup and used my brand new RED lip stick all over the 2nd floor, we went to town with it!

I should’ve laughed and grabbed a camera for one unforgettable picture, but instead I was frustrated and ticked-off. It was such a huge mess the red color was on the carper, the bed sheets, all over the wall, your clothes, your hair, the list goes on. Truly, that was not one of my finer moments in parenting: cleaning the rooms while you cried your eyes out. I’ve found comfort in thinking and hoping that maybe you’ll never remember that moment.

But now you’re four, and you’re bound to remember things. After all, I remember a lot of things when I was four: I remember playing outside with my brothers on our little bicycles; it was a huge balcony with high walls that we could barely reach. And it was so much fun.

I remember going to my grandfather’s farm, a huge one, that all I remember is just running to an endless road.

I remember going with my mom to the mall, and how pretty she looked, tall, thin, with amazing hair, and the most amazing smile, and I remember how fascinating it was to look at her choose clothes, everything she picked looked amazing on her. I wish I can as pretty as her in her age.

Which makes me think, Mira, that you’re about to do the same. At four years old, you’re going to remember some of these memories that we’re making right now – you’ll be able to recall details, like what you were wearing when you took a fall, or if I told you the snow was made out of diamonds or if I responded in a way that made you feel loved and cared for.

Of course, there are memories that you and I have shared that are already impacting your world view, and they will continue to do so for the rest of your life, but it is unlikely that you’ll be able to recall the tiny details of those memories. Instead, like small candles, they cast a glow over your view of self and the world.

I hope I’ve been a good steward of your heart, so far, little one. I hope I’ve lit good candles in your life. It’s my prayer. I breathe it out with a sigh every time I see you sleeping soundly in your bed. The remnants of the tiny cherub-baby I held in my arms for the first time when I gave birth to you, me – overcome with love and crying uncontrollably till someone asked me if I was okay. That baby is still there in my arms. I see her in the corners of your mouth, in the tips of your fingers, in the way your arms fold around your face when you sleep.

The other night, when I was pondering all of this: the memories I’m leaving on the hearts of my children. I was absent mindedly bathing you, and thinking about this coming of age that you’re in, I was thinking about how much I hope to do you right. Exactly as I was thinking those thoughts, you leaned over to me, put your hand over my heart and said, “I know. I know.”

I gasped audibly and looked at you like a ghost had just spoken.

Leave it to you to speak to me like a prophet about my own mothering.

Someday, when you’re a mother, you’ll know this to be true: the child is the prophet and the mother is the disciple.

I promise you, it is true.

But you’re not a mother just yet. At four years old, you’re in the cradle of childhood; I hope you enjoy it all. I hope I can help you gather up each carefree lesson of the day, and that you’ll enjoy the innocent happiness of your youth. I hope I will help fill your years with insightful and beautiful memories.

I pray I’m a good steward of your love, of your childhood, of your innocence. I pray this for you; I pray this for myself, on your fourth birthday, sweet Mira girl.

With all the love a heart can hold,

Mama

Filled Under: Personal, Thoughts

Song of the day “In My Daughter’s Eyes”

In my daughter’s eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter’s eyes

In my daughter’s eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter’s eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It’s hangin’ on when your heart
has had enough
It’s giving more when you feel like giving up
I’ve seen the light
It’s in my daugter’s eyes

In my daughter’s eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she’ll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I’m gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I’ll be there
In my daughter’s eyes

Filled Under: Thoughts