Maioush

Hi Baba!

It’s father’s day weekend. And this is always a hard occasion for me, but so most of the holidays without you; can you believe it’s been three years?

Three incredibly fast years?

Three incredible growing years?

Three incredible lonely years?

Father’s Day has made me grumpy. A little sad, too. I get super emotional and end up crying and running to smell the shirt that I stole from mama’s closet, and now hidden in mine. It still kind of smells like you, too, which is why I try not to touch it too much. As long as it has your smell, you’ll be that much closer when I need your protection.

It’s funny how when you were alive, I’d call you and it didn’t seem like a big deal, but now that you’re not here, it is a big deal. It’s a reminder that I lost you sooner that I’d like. I know it wasn’t my call to keep you here, but it would be nice if I could give you a hug, or call your phone and hear you pick up.

You know, sometimes I can hear you cough, or say my name in that strong authoritative voice you had. Speaking of which, when they turned off your phone, I recorded the last voice mail message you left me onto my old computer so that I would always have that to listen to when I need that strength.

I know you’re here. In the light and the air around me. In the bird that visited my window that week of my birthday and the week after. In my thoughts and in my heart.  Yet, it isn’t the same. And it makes me sad for all of those who don’t know their father, or like me, don’t have a father to call and celebrate with on birthdays, holidays, and other celebratory events.

It’s amazing how much you pop into my mind, actually. Just a couple of weeks ago, I remember you teaching me how to make coffee when mama was in the states to give birth to Hashem.

My favorite memory though, is from when you and I went to that English teaching school in Alhambra, I thought it was super cool that we were in the same class, we went home, and ended up doing our homework over the weekend together, it’s my favorite and saddest memory at the same time.

When you passed away, I told a friend, that I had lost the only man who would ever love me unconditionally and it’s true. I did. I may have gained strength and an important lesson in life, but I still lost one of the most important love relationships of my life. I don’t mean that as sleezy as some people may think, I just know that not every love lasts forever. The strongest loves are the love we receive from our parents. So while I do carry a piece of you with me, that love I know you had and that protected me and will never be reciprocated.

Sometimes that’s the only love I want, the kind that feels protective and can’t be reciprocated. While I try to give it to myself, it just isn’t the same.

I’m rambling now and I’m crying so much that I can’t quite see the screen anymore, but I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being the best father you could be and thank you for being there even now, at a distance. I know you’re here, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Happy Father’s Day.

I love you,

Mai

Every person has a dark side.
What defines a person with good character is not a spotless life of constant kindness, smiles and even temperament.
But rather, it’s the yearning to learn from your mistakes, applying it, making amends for them and choosing not to repeat them that defines good character.
These are the people to keep in your life, because they have stared adversity in the face and became a better person because of it.

I pray that I may let my child live her own life, and not the one I wish I had lived. therefore, guard me against burdening her with doing what I failed to do.

help me to see her missteps today in perspective against the long road she must go, and grant me the grace of patience with her slow pace.

give me the wisdom of knowing when to smile at the small mischiefs of her age, and when to give her the haven of firmness against the impulses which she fears and cannot master.

help me to hear the anguish in her heart through the din of angry words, or across the gulf of brooding silence, and having heard, give me the grace to bridge the gap between us with understanding warmth.

I pray that I may raise my voice more in joy at what she is, than vexation at what she has done; so that each day she may grow in sureness of herself.

help me to hold her with a warmth that will give her friendliness towards others; then give me the fortitude to free her to go strongly on her way.

author unknown

When you become a mother, you gain another part of your soul, but you can also lose a part of yourself as an individual.

Because I have unconditional love for my daughter, I often put her before myself, sometimes even before my basic needs. Does this sound familiar to any of you? I often get so busy with the daily routine of getting my 2 years old breakfast and ready for the day, I realize I haven’t eaten anything until it’s already time for lunch.

Over the course of these 2 years since Mira was born, I have found ways to get my “me time” in and I’m sure when we have more children I will have to be more creative.

Here are my tips to take time for yourself in your busy day. Some of them may be silly, but they really work!

1. Wake up before or stay up later than your children. I think alone time is crucial, even if it’s just twenty minutes. You need time to yourself and if your children don’t go to school yet, this may be the only time you have alone. And since I’m not a morning person, I just enjoy staying up a little after everyone is asleep.
2. Take longer in the bathroom. Now this might sound silly for some of you, but whether you are taking a shower or “going potty”, take extra time reading a magazine or putting on lotion.
3. Exercise. I am really bad about exercising, but I know that it can put you in a better mood and is vital for your health. Try doing spurts of exercise throughout the day to boost your mood.
4. Get a Hobby. If you don’t already have one, find something that makes you happy and is fun for you. I recently started couponing and it has almost become like a fun game to see what kind of deals I can get. Besides saving some money of course.
5. Buy something for yourself. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t stepped foot in a mall to go shopping for myself in years. For some reason my mood is boosted even when I buy something for myself even as simple as a candle. (Maybe that’s why they call it retail therapy).

What are your tips and tricks for taking time for yourself in your busy day? How do you stay sane?

BRAINLESS ALERT:

A friend of mine had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told them that one of their problems was that they did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. she thought for a minute, and said that they had the largest one made at that time–a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” she responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.” they haven’t used that repair service since.

BRAINLESS ALERT:

I once went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. I asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep.

BRAINLESS ALERT:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge.” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”

BRAINLESS ALERT:

Back in the days at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun, we should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

BRAINLESS ALERT:

I used to work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

Note:  I’m pretty sure these folks have all been fired from their above-listed jobs and now work for Social Services or Family Court…

1. I’m happiest when I get full run of the kitchen to create masterpieces. I thoroughly enjoy making complete meals from scratch. A lot of the time our fridge looks as if it has been robbed, as we’ve got practically nothing in it, but no worries! What may look like nothing to everyone else is an exciting challenge for me!

No bread? No problem! I’ve got enough yeast to last a lifetime. I’ll just make my own bread. I have perfected honey mustard sauce, and now must have it on hand at all times as everyone likes to dip everything in it. I make my own salad dressings and vinaigrettes. I make my own bbq sauce, tomato sauces, sweet and sour sauces and more. I come up with sauces that who knows what to name them, but they are good.

I can cook just about any meat (except lamb) to perfection. I go by my sniffer, which has yet to let anyone down, with the exception of about 3 occasions. I cannot stress enough how much I LOVE to cook!

2. I am happiest being around my daughter. See it’s a catch, I’m a parent, so obviously, I have moments of frustration, but she means the world to me. She is quirky just like my husbandy and I and say the funniest things ever! Mira is 2 years old, so she is at the stage where she is all over the place, she waits till I leave the room and starts attacking things that she is not allowed to touch, and by the time I come back she sets on the couch as if she had done nothing. She says the funniest things I’ve ever heard, how can her innocence and silliness not brighten even the gloomiest of days? My girl just cracks me up and makes me smile from ear to ear each and every single day!

3. I am happiest when I am bargain shopping. There is no greater feeling than the art of saving money! Whether it be grocery shopping or shopping for gifts, I get so excited to see the bottom of my receipt say how much money I have saved,. A penny saved is a penny earned.

4. Last but definitely not least, I am the absolute happiest person in the world when I am showed love, affection, caring and respect. I treasure hugs and kisses, thank yous, and any form of appreciation for all of my hard work that I do to keep my family happy.

My favorite quote is, “What you are is God’s gift to you. What you do with yourself is your gift to God.”(by Leo Buscaglia). Life is too short to sit back and reflect on all of the negativity around you. It is a natural human response to get angry at situations and fall into a rut at times, but given the right support from friends and family, eventually you will be able to get back to focusing on the positive aspects of your life. Give me love and hugs, and my positivity will flourish!

So long indeed, I don’t even think that anybody still reads this blog.

Why was I away all that time? Well, let’s just say I have my reasons!

As I was watching Al-Jazeera this morning and for the first time, the screen was split into 6 smaller screens showing Tunisia on the first one, Egypt on the 2^nd, Libya on the 3^rd, Bahrain on the 4^th, Iraq on the 5^th, and Algeria on the 6^th, I guess it didn’t have enough space to show Yemen, and Jordan! All I can say that I felt sad, images for dead people on each screen, blood all over the place, craziness everywhere. Mohammed BoAzizi burned himself and the Arab world caught fire.

What’s happening all over the Middle East tells us one thing; all the Arab leaders think the same way, “we either rule you or kill you”!

I hope all this madness ends soon, I’m so tired of watching people die, and I just can’t watch it anymore.

Praying for a better future for all of the people in the Arab world, and a better tomorrow for my kids, I really wish they will grow up in a better world than we live in!

Amen.

I don’t feel like cleaning the house, folding the laundry, or even cooking today. It’s been a long time since I actually wrote something in this place, yesterday as I was publishing the article I read; I looked at the previous posts and felt bad for not posting anything in months! I really should go back to blogging, 10 minutes a day should not be a big deal right? Reading blogs is much harder now as I barley have time to shower! My little angel doesn’t sleep much during the day.

Mentioning that, being a mother is amazing, I love Marmarti more anything in this world, I still look ar her sometimes wondering; is she really mine?? She is too cute, I never imagined myself as mother before, I play dress up on her, play with her, get up to 6 times a night to feed her sometimes, and when she doesn’t wake up as much I wake up to check on her, I forget how tired I am when she smiles at me.

On another note, the weather has been amazing in Seattle for the last few days, one of the things I like about this state is spring, it’s so green, and you can see all kinds of flowers, maybe I’ll take Marmar for a walk later.

I wanted to write about my visit to L.A and spending time with mama, I guess later, my little angel woke up and looking for mama.

Miss you all!

I coudn’t agree more… , i just felt like sharing this article with all of you

د. فيصل القاسم

مهما طالت سنين الغربة بالمغتربين، فإنهم يظلون يعتقدون أن غربتهم عن أوطانهم مؤقتة، ولا بد من العودة إلى مرابع الصبا والشباب يوماً ما للاستمتاع بالحياة، وكأنما أعوام الغربة جملة اعتراضية لا محل لها من الإعراب.

لاشك أنه شعور وطني جميل، لكنه أقرب إلى الكذب على النفس وتعليلها بالآمال الزائفة منه إلى الحقيقة.

فكم من المغتربين قضوا نحبهم في بلاد الغربة وهم يرنون للعودة إلى قراهم وبلداتهم القديمة !

وكم منهم ظل يؤجل العودة إلى مسقط الرأس حتى غزا الشيب رأسه دون أن يعود في النهاية، ودون أن يستمتع بحياة الاغتراب !

وكم منهم قاسى وعانى الأمرّين، وحرم نفسه من ملذات الحياة خارج الوطن كي يوفر الدريهمات التي جمعها كي يتمتع بها بعد العودة إلى دياره، ثم طالت به الغربة وانقضت السنون، وهو مستمر في تقتيره ومعاناته وانتظاره، على أمل التمتع مستقبلاً في ربوع الوطن، كما لو أنه قادر على تعويض الزمان !

وكم من المغتربين عادوا فعلاً بعد طول غياب، لكن لا ليستمتعوا بما جنوه من أرزاق في ديار الغربة، بل لينتقلوا إلى رحمة ربهم بعد عودتهم إلى بلادهم بقليل، وكأن الموت كان ذلك المستقبل الذي كانوا يرنون إليه !

لقد رهنوا القسم الأكبر من حياتهم لمستقبل ربما يأتي، وربما لا يأتي أبداً، وهو الاحتمال الأرجح !

لقد عرفت أناساً كثيرين تركوا بلدانهم وشدوا الرحال إلى بلاد الغربة لتحسين أحوالهم المعيشية.

وكم كنت أتعجب من أولئك الذين كانوا يعيشون عيشة البؤساء لسنوات وسنوات بعيداً عن أوطانهم، رغم يسر الحال نسبياً، وذلك بحجة أن الأموال التي جمعوها في بلدان الاغتراب يجب أن لا تمسها الأيدي لأنها مرصودة للعيش والاستمتاع في الوطن.

لقد شاهدت أشخاصاً يعيشون في بيوت معدمة، ولو سألتهم لماذا لا يغيرون أثاث المنزل المهترئ فأجابوك بأننا مغتربون، وهذا البلد ليس بلدنا، فلماذا نضيّع فيه فلوسنا، وكأنهم سيعيشون أكثر من عمر وأكثر من حياة !

ولا يقتصر الأمر على المغتربين البسطاء، بل يطال أيضاً الأغنياء منهم.

فكم أضحكني أحد الأثرياء قبل فترة عندما قال إنه لا يستمتع كثيراً بفيلته الفخمة وحديقته الغنــّاء في بلاد الغربة، رغم أنها قطعة من الجنة، والسبب هو أنه يوفر بهجته واستمتاعه للفيلا والحديقة اللتين سيبنيهما في بلده بعد العودة، على مبدأ أن المــُلك الذي ليس في بلدك لا هو لك ولا لولدك !!

وقد عرفت مغترباً أمضى زهرة شبابه في أمريكا اللاتينية، ولما عاد إلى الوطن بنا قصراً منيفاً، لكنه فارق الحياة قبل أن ينتهي تأثيث القصر بيوم !!

كم يذكــّرني بعض المغتربين الذين يؤجلون سعادتم إلى المستقبل، كم يذكــّرونني بسذاجتي أيام الصغر، فذات مرة كنت استمع إلى أغنية كنا نحبها كثيرا أنا وأخوتي في ذلك الوقت، فلما سمعتها في الراديو ذات يوم، قمت على الفور بإطفاء الراديو حتى يأتي أشقائي ويستمعون معي إليها، ظناً مني أن الأغنية ستبقى تنتظرنا داخل الراديو حتى نفتحه ثانية.

ولما عاد أخي أسرعت إلى المذياع كي نسمع الأغنية سوية، فإذا بنشرة أخبار.

إن حال الكثير من المغتربين أشبه بحال ذلك المخلوق الذي وضعوا له على عرنين أنفه شيئاً من دسم الزبدة، فتصور أن رائحة الزبدة تأتي إليه من بعيد أمامه، فأخذ يسعى إلى مصدرها، وهو غير مدرك أنها تفوح من رأس أنفه، فيتوه في تجواله وتفتيشه، لأنه يتقصى عن شيء لا وجود له في العالم الخارجي، بل هو قريب منه.

وهكذا حال المغتربين الذين يهرولون باتجاه المستقبل الذي ينتظرهم في أرض الوطن، فيتصورون أن السعادة هي أمامهم وليس حولهم.

كم كان المفكر والمؤرخ البريطاني الشهير توماس كارلايل مصيباً عندما قال : ” لا يصح أبداً أن ننشغل بما يقع بعيداً عن نظرنا وعن متناول أيدينا، بل يجب أن نهتم فقط بما هو موجود بين أيدينا بالفعل”.

لقد كان السير ويليام أوسلير ينصح طلابه بأن يضغطوا في رؤوسهم على زر يقوم بإغلاق باب المستقبل بإحكام، على اعتبار أن الأيام الآتية لم تولد بعد، فلماذا تشغل نفسك بها وبهمومها.

إن المستقبل، حسب رأيه، هو اليوم، فليس هناك غد، وخلاص الإنسان هو الآن، الحاضر، لهذا كان ينصح طلابه بأن يدعوا الله كي يرزقهم خبز يومهم هذا. فخبز اليوم هو الخبز الوحيد الذي بوسعك تناوله.

أما الشاعر الروماني هوراس فكان يقول قبل ثلاثين عاماً قبل الميلاد: “سعيد وحده ذلك الإنسان الذي يحيا يومه ويمكنه القول بثقة: أيها الغد فلتفعل ما يحلو لك، فقد عشت يومي”.

إن من أكثر الأشياء مدعاة للرثاء في الطبيعة الإنسانية أننا جميعاً نميل أحياناً للتوقف عن الحياة، ونحلم بامتلاك حديقة ورود سحرية في المستقبل – بدلاً من الاستمتاع بالزهور المتفتحة وراء نوافذنا اليوم. لماذا نكون حمقى هكذا، يتساءل ديل كارنيغي؟ أوليس الحياة في نسيج كل يوم وكل ساعة ؟

إن حال بعض المغتربين لأشبه بحال ذلك المتقاعد الذي كان يؤجل الكثير من مشاريعه حتى التقاعد. وعندما يحين التقاعد ينظر إلى حياته، فإذا بها وقد افتقدها تماماً وولت وانتهت.

إن معظم الناس يندمون على ما فاتهم ويقلقون على ما يخبئه لهم المستقبل، وذلك بدلاً من الاهتمام بالحاضر والعيش فيه.

ويقول دانتي في هذا السياق :”فكــّر في أن هذا اليوم الذي تحياه لن يأتي مرة أخرى. إن الحياة تنقضي وتمر بسرعة مذهلة. إننا في سباق مع الزمن. إن اليوم ملكنا وهو ملكية غالية جداً. إنها الملكية الوحيدة الأكيدة بالنسبة لنا”.

لقد نظم الأديب الهندي الشهير كاليداسا قصيدة يجب على كل المغتربين وضعها على حيطان منازلهم.

تقول القصيدة : “تحية للفجر، انظر لهذا اليوم ! إنه الحياة، إنه روح الحياة في زمنه القصير. كل الحقائق الخاصة بوجود الإنسان: سعادة التقدم في العمر، مجد الموقف، روعة الجمال. إن الأمس هو مجرد حلم انقضى، والغد هو مجرد رؤيا، لكن إذا عشنا يومنا بصورة جيدة، فسوف نجعل من الأمس رؤيا للسعادة، وكل غد رؤيا مليئة بالأمل. فلتول اليوم اهتمامك إذن، فهكذا تؤدي تحية الفجر”.

لمَ لا يسأل المغتربون عن أوطانهم السؤال التالي ويجيبون عليه، لعلهم يغيرون نظرتهم إلى الحياة في الغربة:

هل أقوم بتأجيل الحياة في بلاد الاغتراب من أجل الاستمتاع بمستقبل هـُلامي في بلادي، أو من أجل التشوق إلى حديقة زهور سحرية في الأفق البعيد؟

كم أجد نفسي مجبراً على أن أردد مع عمر الخيام في رائعته (رباعيات):

لا تشغل البال بماضي الزمان ولا بآتي العيش قبل الأوان،

واغنم من الحاضر لذاته فليس في طبع الليالي الأمان

It’s been ages since I wrote in this blog, I had so much to share but I just didn’t want to write anything after my last post, I just open it and stare at my post about praying for my father (Allah yer7amo) and kinda live the dream of him being alive for few moments, it still feels like a bad dream, everything just happened so fast.

My father (Allah yer7amo) left us on New Year’s morning, exactly 1 year after he was diagnosed with cancer, he lost the battle so fast, his body got weaker and weaker until he eventually gave up.

People keep on telling me stories about how other people (some time younger ones) died because of cancer, my father (Allah yer7amo) was only 55 when he left us, and my answer always is (kol wa7ad waja3o boja3o) I’m sure the families of those people are not singing and dancing either.

Other people keep on telling me that it will get better as time goes by, truth is it hurts more and more as time goes by, I miss him more and more every day, I’ve been in denial for the past 2 months, but after spending some time with my mom in our house, I miss him soooooo much, I miss him coming back from work, I miss him going out in the backyard for a smoke, I miss him laying on that couch in front of the TV, I miss his place in the dining table, I miss his voice, his look, I miss listening to him pray and read Quran , I miss him smelling his perfume and after shave, every morning when I wake up.

No words can describe what I’m going through, no one will understand what I feel, unless you lost a parent, you won’t really know how heart breaking and painful this is.

My one and only wish was to see him even for 1 day before he left, I wanted to show him my daughter, I wanted him to say (Athan)) in her ear, I wanted him to hold her even for one minute and tell him that you are a seedo now, this is your first granddaughter,  he left us when Mira was only 6 days old, he didn’t get the chance to see her or hold her, it really breaks my heart.

Baba, I miss you so much, I just hope and pray for god that you are much much happier where you are now, may god rest your soul in peace and open all heaven doors for you. I ask almighty god to let you rest in peace.