I want myself back!!!

I’m not in a normal situation; something is wrong with me, so please t7amalooni while thinking loud in this post, I’m technically talking to myself today, trying to figure out what’s in my head.

For a week or so I’m not as patience as before, seriously!!! I’m known as the most patience person on planet earth, but at this point I don’t really know what to do.

Things are not working the way I want it to be, I’m trying to do something for almost 2 months now, but still no results, I started to freak out!!! Is it me? I don’t understand, am I doing something wrong? Seriously this matter is bothering me so much; it’s affecting everything I do, including my attitude with people!!

It’s not like I feel down or anything I’m not depressed, I mean I’m fine, actually I’ve been staying over at my uncle’s house with the twins, I’m having so much fun taking care of them, there are so cute mshalla, but I don’t know… I still feel something is missing, something is wrong, I feel like there is a heavy rock on my chest, even when I’m not thinking about it, walahi it even hurts when I laugh, I’m sure that I’m perfectly healthy, I just had my check up done, and doctor said everything is great, the results came out super, he was concerned about my weight (I’ve been loosing so much weight lately) but my blood test was very good, my blood pressure and blood sugar are so good, so it’s not physical.. lakan mali????

I get irritated easily, I cry easily, I’ve never been like that, people used to say anything you can imagine to me, and I’m totally fine, it’s not that I don’t care, bel3aks, I care a lot, and that’s why I don’t say anything, as long as they are happy, I learned through my life how to understand people, and treat them the way they want to be treated, as they say in Arabic (elli ma beeji ma3ak ta3a ma3o), that’s me, that’s the Mai I know.

But there is this new Mai, and I don’t like her at all, she has to leave me alone, I want her to take her stupid rock and leave, she is weak, panicky, silly, and not wise at all, I hate her!!!

You know what, that’s my next project, getting rid of this girl who is trying to take over me for the last couple of weeks, khalas Mai, enough is enough, get back to yourself, stop the stupidity, and go back to the sane Mai, I like that girl much more, and first step is to start praying regularly, I need to connect with god again, he is the only one who can help me, there is no better timing than this, since it’s gonna be Ramdan on Thursday (Ramdan mubarak to all of you, and allah yet2abbal ta3etkom).

28 Responses to “I want myself back!!!”

  1. secratea Says:

    hey Mai, may you have a happy and blessed Ramadan. Yes Ramadan is a great starting point so goood luck on retriving your old self :D

  2. bakkouz Says:

    Ostor Yalli Btostor~!
    and happy and blessed ramadan to you too :)

  3. Oriental Arabesque Says:

    Mai, I
    could perfectly relate to what you said because I’ve been through this phase before sometime and I thought I’ll never be back to my old normal, happy, and peaceful self (thanks God I was proved wrong!)
    I used to think a lot back then and wonder what is wrong with me, why am I losing my temper so easily and why I lost interest in so many things I used to enjoy and even love…..and this rock you talked about on my god it was there all the time!! I swear I used to have difficulty with breathing sometimes (eni ma 3arfeh a’7od nafasi mazboot) my chest used to hurt a lot… I was too emotional and want to be left alone all the time…deep inside I think I knew the answer, but I just didn’t want to admit at that time!

    It was all because of someone! A person was affecting my life so negatively.. it was so hard to reach this realization as the relationship was not going bad all the time (in fact many sides of it were going great)…but there were things that I was trying to ignore and not think about… apparently, they were all building up until they became mountain high and I reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore…I was torn apart..didn’t know what to do exactly….and finally I took my decision and kicked this person out of life…I gained my old self gradually and now I can confidently say I’m happier than ever!

    I talked a lot I know…just trying to help a bit and trying to tell you look for the reason behind all this..it might be so simple..it might be coming from somewhere or someone around you…dig deep inside your soul and you’ll know…when you pinpoint the reason the solution will follow easily

    I sincerely wish you get over this very soon, cause I know it’s so hard to be in this phase..i was so not happy with myself…and yes I was losing weight a lot too!

  4. Maioush Says:

    Happy Ramadan to you too my dear, o ten3ad 3aleaki o 3ala 7babek bel 5ear o el barakeh ya rab :)

    Yeah, allah yestor man 3an jad man!! Happy Ramadan to you my dear.

    Oriental Arabesque:
    Oh my god girl, it’s like you are inside my heart, I LOVE YOU for this… thanks kteeeeeeeeer for your sweet wishes, I felt every single word you wrote cuz u felt me!!! Ya allah keef edenya…

  5. 7usam Says:

    I know this feeling , actually I used to feel the same , I did every thing you did , doctors tests but every thing is ok , no specific reason I am not sad not depressed , every thing around me in perfect but still some thing missing , the solution is try new friendships meet new friends a different type from what you used to hang out with , try new experiences , when was the last time you did some thing for the first time ?
    maybe that’s it, you are just bored of your life style
    go out in a hiking or biking trip :)
    just do it and let me know how this will effect your life

  6. Oriental Arabesque Says:


    ur welcome sweeite *tight hugs*
    what comes from the heart reaches the heart banoot :)

  7. mala2e6 Says:


    have you checked your thyroid gland? small blood test

    this will pass nothing stays forever,and you will feel better soon inshalla

    (i found some links to watch arabic tv online for you..now doesnt that make u feel better ? :D

    take care and Ramadan kareem

  8. Qabbani Says:

    Ramadan Kareem

    then , hey mai i thought u going be much better with latest update in ur life , but seems not ,

    u need to SLEEP well, u really have too , then Rethink well , what do u want exactly in ur life , you know that sometimes things change and u can roll it back …

    just TAKE A BREAK u need it so bad …

    yallah hope things get better with u …

  9. miss sea lover Says:

    mai…it is the exact feeling i’m going through…esma3ee…jad…identical..and i’v been thinking about it since a long time, and yes i decided to have a new start with ramdan, ino i know the way for happiness is to get closer to Allah…so lets make a deal tp pray and read Quraan very well this ramdan…may be allah behdenaa….

  10. Maioush Says:

    walahi I need a vacation so bad, I feel like leaving LA for a week or so, but unfortunately I can’t :( …. This weird feeling has been there fir a while, bs inshalla bel salah I’ll feel better, I relly need to change my life style as you said.. hadi heye.. thanks for the great thought dear

    Oriental Arabesque:
    Jad enek raheebeh … walahi fron the heart 3anjad! :)

    Yeah actually it crossed my mind, but it’s not my thyroid, it’s me who is not eating, ma 3am bakol abadan, nefsi masdoodeh kteer.
    Bs lsn… send the link berabbek!!! 7abeebti enti :D
    Yen3ad 3aleaki Ramadan bel se77a o el salameh ya rab

    Ramadan kareem to u too, yeah well, I really need to sleep, u got that right!!

    Miss sea lover:
    Yalla dear, ana balshet today el 7amdolla, I cried a lot while praying sara7a, it’s weir, but inshalla allah will answer my prayers and things will be fine, yalla jad lets make this a regular thing.. inshalla I’m planning enni e5tem el quran this Ramadan.. yalla nshaje3 ba3ad 3an jad!!

  11. Summer Says:

    sorry to hear about this! but i know the strong happy Mai will come through and beat the annoying one! praying is good, i hope you stick to it…enjoy Ramadan and have a blessed one with your family….take care of yourself, no one else will do it for you. i hope to read more happy posts from you pretty soon.

  12. Oriental Arabesque Says:

    sorry i know i bombarded ur post with replies today…but i want to tell you to try going to the gym and working out regularly if you’re not….i’m feeling much better since i started going to the gym again..it helps a lot

    i really wish you’ll get over this soon

  13. Maioush Says:

    it’s really nice to see u here again :) i missed ur comments, inshala I’ll try to pray all the time from now on, it’s` the best thing i can do right!! thanks so much for the sweet wishes, inshalla things will be fine son ya rab.. da3awatek.

    Oriental Arabesque:
    are u kidding me, girl, el blog o sa7ebto 3ala 7sabek :D elek el blog o eli el 3atabeh :D LOL! walahi the gym is a very good idea, but I’m so skinny these days, they r gonna put me on a special program to make me gain weight, bs walahi mo ‘3alat bte3rafi!!

  14. Oriental Arabesque Says:

    yeee teslamili ma atyabek..well, i’m actually fit but i joined to the gym cause u know working out makes u feel better, happier and u are certain ur doing something useful for urself..(bizeed efraz hormone el sa3adeh..lol) and believe it or not but it actually affected my sleep..i’m sleeping better and deeper..try it..not to lose weight..but just to shape up a bit..u might need to increase ur muscles..so they’ll tell u what exercises to do and what machines to use…just like what i’m doing now :)

  15. Maioush Says:

    well yeah, i used to go to the gym regularly before to keep myself fit and healthy, and yeah people recommended me to exercise to sleep better, i’ used to go since i was 2nd year in college, i stopped recently after i lost a lot of weight, i guess i need to go back, it didn’t help my sleep much, but it’s healthy u r right!

  16. Isam Says:

    7aleh o bet3adde inshalla … ramadan kareem mai :)

  17. asma Says:

    Perfectly Said!!!
    Mai, it seems like it’s normal that around our age we start having these moments of mental instability because it’s such an uncertain time for us. I can relate to alot of what you’re saying in terms of symptoms, sleep problems, I actually gained a lot of weight instead of losing (food was my escape from reality), had a spending problem (shopping was another escape), “freaking out” constantly and snapping. I’ve seen a couple of doctors and have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder for which I take medication for on and off (it helps but I don’t like feeling I have to take meds to be normal so I try not to take them). I know that alot of my friends have gone through/or going through the same thing but we just don’t talk about it as much, it’s kind of scary to address how you feel out of control………and it’s weird because these are problems that are our parents didn’t go through so they just don’t understand (at least my parents don’t). If you try to talk about it with an older arab person they tell you that the solution is to get married (not my parents but like others), my parents just say I’m spoiled and whiny!

  18. asma Says:

    I would be lying to you if I said I was completely fine now, I still struggle with it sometimes whatever it is. One thing that’s helped is that I’ve made some major life decisions to remove the sources of negative energy, I decided to not attend medical school which initially made my parents angry but when I made that decision I felt a huge rock lifting off of my chest and like I can breathe differently now. I’ve also been taking my health matters into control, I’m on a diet now and have already dropped 20 lbs and it’s empowering to know that I controlled something like that. I’ve also decided that I need to distance myself from negative people that like to analyze every word I say to criticize me or judgmental mean people (yes, some of these people were my friends I just didn’t realize that’s what they were doing to me). I also started doing things for myself that I know makes me feel good like going to a spa once a week or every 2 and reading books just for fun, and I’m thinking about traveling more but that’s harder because you don’t always have someone to go with you.
    “first step is to start praying regularly, I need to connect with god again, he is the only one who can help me” That is very true! When you can put all of your affairs in Allah’s hands then you feel so much better and inshallah I would really like to take full advantage of this Ramadan! Keep in touch 7abibti ok, visit my blog!

  19. Noura Says:

    Do not panic.. like all these wonderful told you , we all had similar experiences..I have a rock on my chest, a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach.. I panicked and thought am dying loool
    Am the type who worry too much,about everything and anything.. Am try to change my attitude and take it easy..I went back recently to walking every morning for 45 minutes.. I haven’t seen any results yet, it seems there is no quick fix just patience…
    Ramadan Kareem to you and your family :)

  20. afaf Says:

    first, ramadan mubarak and inshalla allah will grant u the good deeds for ur obedience.
    second, do u think u r the only went going through that phase…think again, we all do at a certain stage in our lives, we simply drift and drift and go back to our track, changed or nonchanged ppl….it is the change that is happening to u and ur inner resistence for it…
    we all tend to feel so heavy weight on our chests and the best way is to talk about it with someone u trust that will listen and never interrupt…like a best friend…if not, then simply cry adn try to reach out to ur old mai…it is still there, but u tend to see the new mai cuz it is surfacing on u…but i am sure u can still get rid of her and have the old one instead….
    chill out and loosen up and yeah if u r upset at somoething, then talk about it, donot let it sit still inside of u, this will kill u by time…i have learned that the hard way…
    hope all is ok and i made sense of what i just said, but i guess what i really wanna say here, cheer up and be YOU….try to listen to depressing stories and read something cheerful…that will help too…

  21. Jumana Says:

    I felt you post and read all the comments.
    I believe that there is nothing more to add…but I just want to tell you that this might lead to a good thing…
    I mean life is about experience…you can’t stay the same all the time…surly, we all wish to change in a positive way…maybe this is one of those times…
    You will go back to your nature inshalla….but you might not be the same Mai again…you will become a better person inshalla.

    Ramadan Kreem :)

  22. Maher Says:

    La2 ya zalameh! sho Mai?? not you! Com’on Girl! Let it Go! Cheer up! SMMMMMMMMIIIIILLEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

    anything i can do..? maybe posting a new video for me snoring again :P

    haaaa..you smiled :P

  23. Maioush Says:

    Ramadan kareem to you too.. thanks kteer.

    Oh wow, looks like I’m not the only one around here, you know what, I’m not at the point where I need meds yet, I hope that things will be under control without any help, cuz as u said, I want to feel that I’m the one who controlling myself, not the meds.
    Inshalla you will be fine soon, I want to encourage everyone to pray and read quran and finish it this Ramadan, I really want to do that, inshalla it will help.

    I don’t want to sound crazy, but it actually makes me feel better that I’m not the only person who is going through this. Ramdan kareem to u and ur loved ones as well my dear :)

    Ramdan mubarak to u too 7abeebti… yeah well, I felt like talking about it, but I know that talking will not change anything, I need to do something about it, I’m trying, so inshalla by the end of this Ramadan things will get much better…kol 3am op enti b 5ear :)

    Ya rab, I’m hoping that it will lead to a good thing, and a batter Mai :D LOL! I’ll be more thatn happy to find her :)

    LOOOL Man!!! :D
    Ya3leak da7aktni, another video btejeeni jalta 3ala tool man, manzarak kan ta7sheesh :D

  24. mala2e6 Says:


    iposted the links the same day u posted ur comment on al manshar..

    u can watch mbc,dubai,jtv,and many more..go there and go two steps uner the policecar..:D

  25. Heda Says:

    Assalamu Aleikum! I’m sorry for cut in a conversation but I’d like to share my feelings with you too. May be my post will help you feel better and may be if i share with you the rock in my chest will be a little easier to me:) At first, how i found this sight. I felt so bad tonight trying to find myself, to find solution to my invisible problems that i typed in Google a phrase ‘Ya Allah help me to pass Your tests’ and i found your sight.

  26. Heda Says:

    i’ve just sent a post with my problems but it faded away. i’m typing from my cell that very uncomfortable so i have no enough patience to write it again:) so i just tell u the same situation with me:)… completly the same and I don’t know where I should find strength to find myself. I pray to Allah for strength and don’t do anything more to develop it. i hate me for it. Mai, it looks like u are strong girl and very interesting person so no doubt

  27. Heda Says:

    you will pass the tests and take the situation under control:) InshaAllah. May Allah help u and those who have the same problem and me:) Just know that on the othes side of the world there is a girl who are different from u but at the same time similar to you:) My best wishes. Heda

  28. Maioush Says:

    Thank you very much for the sweet sweet comments my dear, inshalla you will pass your tests and every thing will be fine soon, I’m feeling much better now el hamdolla.. we all go through ups and downs, after all that’s life.
    I wish you feel better soon , and again.. thank you for the sweet comments my dear.

Leave a Reply

You can add images to your comment by clicking here.

Filled Under: Personal