Blank title for this post…

It’s been ages since I wrote in this blog, I had so much to share but I just didn’t want to write anything after my last post, I just open it and stare at my post about praying for my father (Allah yer7amo) and kinda live the dream of him being alive for few moments, it still feels like a bad dream, everything just happened so fast.

My father (Allah yer7amo) left us on New Year’s morning, exactly 1 year after he was diagnosed with cancer, he lost the battle so fast, his body got weaker and weaker until he eventually gave up.

People keep on telling me stories about how other people (some time younger ones) died because of cancer, my father (Allah yer7amo) was only 55 when he left us, and my answer always is (kol wa7ad waja3o boja3o) I’m sure the families of those people are not singing and dancing either.

Other people keep on telling me that it will get better as time goes by, truth is it hurts more and more as time goes by, I miss him more and more every day, I’ve been in denial for the past 2 months, but after spending some time with my mom in our house, I miss him soooooo much, I miss him coming back from work, I miss him going out in the backyard for a smoke, I miss him laying on that couch in front of the TV, I miss his place in the dining table, I miss his voice, his look, I miss listening to him pray and read Quran , I miss him smelling his perfume and after shave, every morning when I wake up.

No words can describe what I’m going through, no one will understand what I feel, unless you lost a parent, you won’t really know how heart breaking and painful this is.

My one and only wish was to see him even for 1 day before he left, I wanted to show him my daughter, I wanted him to say (Athan)) in her ear, I wanted him to hold her even for one minute and tell him that you are a seedo now, this is your first granddaughter,  he left us when Mira was only 6 days old, he didn’t get the chance to see her or hold her, it really breaks my heart.

Baba, I miss you so much, I just hope and pray for god that you are much much happier where you are now, may god rest your soul in peace and open all heaven doors for you. I ask almighty god to let you rest in peace.

18 Responses to “Blank title for this post…”

  1. Mohanned Says:

    Allah yer7amo.I understand how you feel, but at some point you have to stop the “only if”. Death is the ugliest thing, yet birth is the most beautiful thing, so enjoy your Mira and make each moment a one that last. Memories are the oxygen of the soul.

    you made my eyes misty..allah la ywa6rezlek.

  2. Hamdanism Says:

    والاخرة خير وأبقى

  3. M Says:

    Allah yerhamo.

    I don’t know you, but what you wrote deeply touched me. Hold on to the good memories, and let go of the rest. I’m sure he’s in a better place now.
    And may Allah bless your little baby girl.

  4. Deemah Says:

    Allah yer7amo wo y5alee mathwah el janeh..
    I can relate to everything you said because I lost my Dad because of cancer too, the past July, and to us it was a disaster, emotional disaster, because he was young and we are young.. we felt that he just disapeared, and I miss every single thing that he used to do, but I’m trying to ease it on myself by believing that he travelled to place and one day I will go there and hopefully see him.

  5. Dino Says:

    Wallah ya um il il marameer… i can relate to this post very much, like you i told u i could not blog for the longest time because i felt there was so much nakad and hurt and that everytime i would want to post i felt like a part of me died. you hear things like this happen all the time.. and u do know its sad and u feel sad but something always tells you it can happen to anyone but not “you” ofcourse.
    and one day you wake up in shock and ITS YOU and u are dealing with a loss of a parent. Al hamduilah my dad is still alive but it has been almost 3 years now since his stroke. the damage to the brain was severe he is unable of moving, talking, doing anthingon his own.or communicating. he is no longer the same person i know. i think its the first time i talk about this to anyone in a long time. and just talking about it :(

    Allah yishfee abooy wa yij3al abooki fi 2a3la il janaat inshala.

    I believe and know il wa7ad lama Allah yibtalee fe marad especially il amrad il zay il cancer. takfeer la thnoobo. your dad was in pain for a whole year. kolo fe meezan 7asanato bi ithn Allah. wa inshala my dad too ykoon koloh hadad takfeer la thunoooboh.

    *huggaa kbeeera* just think of maramiro and u will feel better. God takes but he also gives. Al hamduilah i don know what iwould have done without my ba3lool and luul

  6. Qwaider قويدر Says:

    انّا لله و انّا اليه راجعون
    There’s nothing anyone can tell you that will ease up the pain.
    After all the pain that he went through, perhaps it’s god’s mercy on him and us all that he picked him to join his side.
    All what we can do now is pray for him, and remember the great man that he was, and the legacy he left behind
    Pray for him, he will receive your paryers.

    The most important thing to know is that, it hurts him to see you sad. It’s something to consider, as in, what would he want you to do with you life?

    انّا لله و انّا اليه راجعون، تقبّله الله في فسيح جنّاته

  7. kinzi Says:

    Mai, I am so sorry your pain has been prolonged. It is a testimony to the strength of your mutual bond and the love you shared. Take as long as you need to grieve, but try not to live in the valley of the shadow of death.

    I wonder that there is wisdom in what husbandik has shared. Would your father want you to live in permanent grief of loss, returning to the initial pain of his passing? Would he have preferred that you turn those memories of his fragrance, chair and voice into a celebration of his life?

    You’ve never done this before, it is shocking how deeply it can hurt, how it can alter your life. Be careful to judge your emotions according to today’s truth and reality. I would advise you (since I am 50 now and everyone listens to old ladies)to honor the best of your dad by living out the beauty of his life, and reflecting what he did as he lived, as a way of keeping his legacy alive. Mira will see it.

  8. afaf Says:

    i do understand what u go through…i feel it for my kid, as he lost his dad when he was only 7 months old…he came one day and says “how come i donot have a dad!!”…it ribbed my heart out of my chest, literally…then it got worse when he lost tetta too…still Allah’s mercy is greater than any pain or loss, keep that in mind and what Allah’s plan for u, is good for u…
    have faith and since his pain is over, cuz it was so painful, be happy for him…sounds crazy, but that is what i keep telling my self “gone along with the pain, better than alive and suffering”….
    speaking of denial, i was in mine for 7 years!! work on getting help and have closure with it, mine almost costs me my life….i am not saying now, just take ur time, one day at a time, and if u feel it is taking long, then seek help, i mean it…it is great to have peace after all this!!
    hold on to the good memories…that is all what u need to hold on to, remember his smile, his looks, his pride in u…all what makes u happy…that will make u go through…
    when i see my kid achieves something, i feel sorry for his dad and that he missed alot on his child, then i embrace my self thinking “if he was here, he would be full of pride too” and that makes pain go away…instead of having tears i have glow in my eyes…it is kinda hard to explain, but time will teach u how to cope with it and u will find ur self reaching to ur own inner peace, by urself, just give ur self time, u need that, u r still overwhelmed with new baby and the death of ur dad (allah yer7amo) and a family to take care…so ur plate is full…be easy, take all help ur need or offered…
    talk, talk and talk about it with family, samer, friends…beleive me talking helps big time…
    i remember, the morning my mom died, my sister and i went home from hospital and sat at the couch, and started talking for hours about her and all she has been through her whole life….it was reliefing for both of us…instead of tears, we kinda celebrated her life on earth, by talking about her and what she did and achieved in her life…boy that helped…
    last year i seeked professional help and all i did was paying someone (shrink) to hear me out….!!!it helped too..
    take it easy on u, Mai, take ur time, there is no time limit for ur sorrows, scream if u want to, and u think it helps…it helped me…
    u know, i was surprised to know that we do get angry at ppl who die and leave us…i was angry with my husband…alot, screaming and yelling at him (not really) helped somehow..
    it is crazy, but worked for me…find your way too…
    i am hear if u need ears…
    may Allah grant u peace, dear….

  9. sozan Says:

    الله يرحمه ويصبركم على فقدانكم انا حاسه فيكي الله يعينك وما يحرمك من احبابك بكيتيني الفرقه صعبه

  10. hamede Says:

    لقد فقدت ابي و أمي بفترة ليست طويلة بينهما ، لا تستطيعي أن توقفي الألم، إن الزمان وحده القادر ، رحمة الله عليهم جمعاً.

  11. nido Says:

    The short time I spent among your family and the little conversations I had with your father made me admire him so much. Allah yir7amo.
    Your words are sad maioush. I am sure it’s hard to lose a parent before meeting the newborn. But Mira is still there :)
    My mom told me once that time is the only healer, and soon inshallah you’ll get through this phase and will only be able to remember the funny stories and nice memories that will make you smile :)
    I love you, you’re so strong mashallah, and may Allah swt keep your mom for you and your your beautiful family!

  12. SimSim Says:

    After all what u wrote I really don’t know what to say …. Allah yer7amoo w yej3al mathwah el janneh …. the only thing u can do is keep praying for him and donate on his behalf …

    in the future u’ll be talking to ur daughter about him in sha2 allah ….

  13. whisper Says:

    7abebti Mai, as u said no one can know what u feel except some one lost a dear person, but sob7an Allah God create with us the forgotten, u will remember him for ever and in every occasion, but day by day inshallah the pain will go.

    About how people try to ease it on u by tilling u other stories,for sure (kol wa7ad waja3o boja3o) I remember when my elder brother cry like baby’s when his wife lost a baby,he didn’t see the baby and all that happened to him how if he saw him.

    As Samer said, pray for him, and be sure that ur father “allah yer7amo” wants u to go on in ur life, and to see u happy again.

  14. Dawn Says:

    I wanted to write something to you ever since I read about your father allah yer7amo, I would start writing and then stop and let some tears … you see I lost my first baby on may 4th 2006 and 40 days after my father died in Amman.
    I spent my days afterwards one day asking my son to take care of his grandfather, and the next asking my father to take care of my son… and then praying to god to take care of both of them…
    It’s hard, God it’s really hard…it changes the way you look at life, death and the life after .
    Sometimes people don’t really know what they are saying, but there intentions are mainly good, and I’m sure if your loved ones can take some of the pain away they would.
    The only thing I can say is I’m so sorry

  15. Noura Says:

    Allah yer7amo..
    I wish I can tell you that it will get better, you will always miss him and he will always be alive in your mind but you will come to terms with the loss and come to accept it as Allah’s will.. Dad passed away 21 years ago and it seems that I miss him more and more as I grow older..
    May Allah be always with you and your family.. Kisses to your little one :)

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  17. KJ Says:

    I wish I can say anything to make you feel better, so all I can do is listen. Allah yer7amo.

  18. princess N Says:

    Allah yir7amo, no matter what people say, nothing will make it easier or will make the pain go away.. and yes no one can understand what you are going through.. the only thing that you can do is pray for him..

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