Maioush

When you wait for someone you love to fill your need and they don’t, a sudden wave of bitterness washes over you. Why? Because you’ve stripped yourself bare before them, laid your soul open, showing your most fragile moments. And instead of standing by you, they turn away, indifferent.

It’s no wonder you feel shattered—you handed them something priceless, and they couldn’t see its worth. To bare your heart to the one you love is perhaps the purest form of truth, yet it can be one of the cruelest. Why? Because when you reveal your need, your weakness, and they remain untouched, the hurt runs deeper than mere disappointment. It shatters the trust you placed in them, making you lose hope that they’ll ever be your “rock” again. The safety you once felt in their presence? It vanishes.

Waiting for them to ease your pain is like a heart patient who has lost hope in healing, living each day under the weight of an unspoken, immeasurable sorrow. What’s worse, when someone is hurting, it’s near impossible to put it into words. Their actions, their silence, speak louder than anything they could say, reflecting the depth of their suffering. You may see them still, yet their eyes, their voice, even the quiet between their words, betray the pain they carry.

In the end, we must pay attention to those we love, especially our teenagers, our spouses, our parents. These are the ones who need to hear tenderness in our words and feel the warmth of our support.

Don’t wait for them to fulfill your needs—be present, always. Know their hearts, their longings, even before they’ve spoken them aloud.

It’s been so long since I dropped something here.

See, a bunch of things in my life had shifted all at the same time.

Friends moved away, kids, a move, new groups, new people—and it seemed like the important thing was to find ways to be accepted in those new places. To be part of the group. Any group.

“I like your shoes!”

So I would be in conversations where the other person would talk, and the thing I wanted to say—the thing that made sense to me—sounded like:

No. No, I cannot do that. No, I do not agree. No, I do not think that is a good idea.

Or, That is not right. This is not the way. These things are not helping.

Or, What if we just let go of the have-to, the should-have, the has-to-be?

Or, You know, we’re all the same inside. We’re all hurting sometimes. We’re all full of joy and love and even beauty, because truth is beauty. Your life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.

Or, That sounds like fear talking, and we don’t need to be afraid of each other. Why are we building walls instead of building bridges? Why are we building a smaller box instead of a bigger table?

But I was pretty sure that was not how the conversation was supposed to go, so instead what I said was: nothing.

I would say: I like your shoes!

And then later I would say to my close friend, “This thing happened, and what I REALLY wanted to say was…

I could hear the truth in my heart, and I could hear the chirpy voice on the outside, and they did not match up.

This is not me, I thought. This keeping quiet, this not-using-my-voice, this saying the right thing (that is really the wrong thing): This is not me.

“For freedom you have been set free.”

They’re not quite the same.

(I mean, I wasn’t lying. I did like those shoes. I just care about the shoes way less than I care about seeing us all, whole and alive and living in the truth that love will always win.)

I used to spend a lot of time telling people they had pretty shoes.

This was a good thing to say when I had to say something. I was looking down more often than not, so it was something I noticed.

Where had I gone?

Why had I fallen silent and small? Why was I hiding? How had I lost the thread of myself?

All those words were trapped inside me. All my truth not getting out—all my pretending that true things didn’t matter—was turning me sour.

Was I the kind of person who does not say what she believes? Why was I that person? Since when?

I thought keeping quiet was the path to community and connection. I thought wrong. You can be surrounded by people, but if you’re pretending to be someone you’re not, you can’t connect with any of them.

The path to community, the path to connection, the path to love, always starts with showing up as yourself.

And who was I?

The only way I know to answer that question is to stop moving. To slow down and listen.

Listen to your heart asking, who am I? This is not me. What am I even doing here? How did I get here?

Listen to the still, small voice calling you back to yourself.

It’s not like you’re on the moon.

What I learned was, it’s simpler than that. You don’t need to go out looking for yourself, like you would look for a lost puppy. You don’t have to create yourself (I’m picturing a wonky lego tower). You’re still in there.

You might be buried under a never-ending to-do list or a schedule of too-much-to-do-in-too-little-time. You might have been shoved to the back of the closet, as it were, hiding behind last season’s best choices and next season’s best plans. But you’re in there, somewhere.

Yourself is in there, waiting to be coaxed out like an anxious kitty.

Or waiting for the rubble to be lifted so you can crawl into the light.

Or waiting for everything else—the not-you parts of your life—to be carved away, until what is left is the essence of you.

That pull to find yourself? That call is coming from inside the house, and you don’t have to go outside to answer it.

That’s the good news.

Your job is to UNCOVER something that’s already here (like sliding the peel off a ripe clementine), not to hunt for something that may or not be OUT THERE (rather like alien life forms).

There’s less-fabulous news, too.

The bad news is that it is not easy, this uncovering your heart and figuring out what song your soul wants to sing. It’s not comfortable to ask questions about how and why you slipped away in the first place.

This is where a journal comes in handy, because you can write it all down and see. Oh, I’ve been listening to shame again. Oh, I’ve been listening for what’s best for everyone else, and ignoring what’s best for me. Oh. I see.

But you can be brave.

It is brave to ask who you are, especially if you know you may not like the answers. It is brave to admit you don’t know who you are at this time, in this place, even if you were sure you knew yesterday.

And when you know who you are—be that person.

I had to be me, even if all the Pretty Shoe People walked away. That was a box I was not willing to live in anymore. You don’t have to live like this. I just started talking.

Let yourself out of the box. Drop the armor. Ask the questions.

Find yourself. And set yourself free.

We often grow up with an idea of what our life will look like when we are at a certain age, more often than not, it is a realistic image, and more often than not, life doesn’t necessarily mirror the image we had for it. At that moment, we can feel inadequate, we can feel like a failure and we can feel that we failed to create the life we want or deserve, but if we take a closer look sometimes the magic is in the journey rather than the destination, it is in the lessons we learn along the way and the changes we have to go through to become the best versions of ourselves.

My life didn’t turn out to be anything like I imagined, in fact the image I had for my life doesn’t even come close to what it is now, and even though I do have my days when I brood about it and wonder where I went wrong, I still smile when I look back at the things I learned when the pieces of the puzzle didn’t fit.

Warning: lots of clichés in this post, but this is exactly what I need to tell myself and thought I’d share with everyone.

1. You Learn To Steer The Wheel In Another Direction

You know how the saying goes “If you don’t bend you will break” You will find yourself face to face with your fears and your worst nightmares, but you will have to face them, even if you don’t win, even if you fall short, even if you will never be the same person again, you will navigate through them to reach your destination. It is exactly like driving, sometimes you get lost, sometimes you take roads you don’t want to take, sometimes you drive alone at night and it can get scary, sometimes you will have to stop at a red light even though you can’t wait to go home, sometimes you will get into an accident and it may or may not be your fault, but the key will always be to keep driving and steer the wheel in another direction, whatever direction leads you back home.

2. You Will Be Forced To Look Within For Validation

If you are a people person like myself, you get your energy and your validation from those around you, you always wonder do they like me? Did I say the right thing? Are they going to speak well about me? Does my boss think I’m smart enough? Will this person stay or will they get bored and leave? You constantly expend your energy on those around you and that sometimes can be the demise of your own identity and personal growth. This may sound like a cliché but it is true, the best way to use your energy is to consume it on yourself first, and be in touch with who you are regardless of what those around you think of you. You have to embrace your flaws and shortcomings while working on them rather than seek validation from those around you. It helps when someone sees something good in us that we ceased to believe and it helps when someone picks us up when we fall, but at the end of the day, it is temporary relief. If you want long-term relief, you need to seek validation from yourself first and welcome the validation of others second, but you should always come first.

3. You Might Want To Reconnect With God

“When we have nothing left but God, we discover that God is enough.” This is one of my favorite quotes to sum up faith and life too. When things don’t go as planned, and when life gets hard, it is easy to sink in a dark hole and drown in a sea of anger, negativity and despair; also known as rock bottom. The good thing about hitting rock bottom is the fact that it allows you to reach to a higher power, ask for help, pray and seek guidance from Allah. If it takes a toll on your faith, let me assure you that you will not make it out of rock bottom easily, however if you use it as a tool to reconnect with God and strengthen your faith and the belief that God has a better plan for you and that his plans will make you happier than you ever thought you will be, you will be just fine. God sometimes gives us what we need rather than what we want, sometimes it is best not to ask questions and try to go against the ebb and flow of what God brings to our life, sometimes it is better to look up and say I know you got this, let go and keep the faith.

4. You Are Going To Lose Some People

It is a part of life, the more you know who you are and seek validation from within, the more people you are going to lose. Some people will not like it, some people will try to bring you back down, some people will hurt you, some people will walk away, some people will give up on you, and others will stab you right in the face. Only a few good ones will stick around and respect the transition, those people are the ones that are in your life to stay and will help you become your best self. I must say this is the hardest lesson, it doesn’t only require strength and self-control, it requires you to never look back, to close some doors that you so wanted to remain open. The hardest part is not letting them go, the hardest part is letting them go knowing you will not let them back in again, knowing that deep in your heart this person will cause you more damage than good and they have to go. In some cases, losing is winning.

5. It Will Make You A Better Person

Finally, when your life doesn’t turn out the way you wished for, it will humble you. It will make you a kinder person, a more sympathetic person, a wiser person, a stronger person, a less judgmental person, a deeper person, or simply it will make you human. You will learn that you can’t be perfect and you never will be, you will learn that you will fail at things you thought you were good at, you will learn that you can be hard to love sometimes, you will learn that you have bipolar tendencies, you will learn that you cannot control your surroundings and you cannot make someone change or someone love you. You will learn to accept your fate and stop trying to change it. You will learn that life will scar you, and it will hurt you but it will also surprise you-sometimes in a good way, and one day you will look back and be able to connect the dots, one day you will look back and make sense of all the confusion, one day you will surprise yourself when you look at the image you had for your life and realize that it doesn’t resonate with you anymore and it doesn’t matter.

It’s been literally ages since I last posted here, but I really feel the need for me to write this.

There are literally dozens of famous quotes that begin with “If I knew then what I know now…” In fact, there is even a book by that name.

What are we really talking about when we start a sentence with: If I knew then what I know now? Think about that for a moment. What kind of perception and feelings would prompt us to use that phrase?

* The perception. Anytime we compare the present to the past we are doing so with the advantage of hindsight. We are looking back on our life course with knowledge that we did not have at the time and speculating how that knowledge would have altered our situation or outcome.

* The feelings. If we are pleased with some part of our personal history we generally don’t think about how having more knowledge at the time would have made it better. So, I think it is a fair assumption to say that the feelings behind the phrase “If I knew then what I know now” are rooted in regret or dissatisfaction. In some way we wish things had been different, right?

There will always be hindsight

The fact is, hindsight can only benefit us in the present, it has no application to the past. You can never change what has already happened and thinking about it is a complete waste of time. You can, however, use the knowledge you’ve gained to make better decisions right now. That’s what hindsight is for!

Now, here’s the kicker. In the future, when you look back on the decisions you make today you will have new knowledge that you don’t possess right now. That means that from that vantage point you will probably see possibilities that you do not see at present.

Life lessons are cumulative

If we are paying attention, life becomes a continuous learning experience. At any given point, the life lessons we learn are exactly what we need to learn to keep the process going. Admittedly, some of those lessons are painful and costly. The higher the price of a life lesson the more likely we are to remember it and to benefit from it in the future. Every experience has value if we learn from it.

With that in mind, we see that wishing we had acquired certain knowledge earlier than we actually did is unrealistic. One life lesson leads to the next and we can’t skip ahead. But we can, and should, learn from the experiences of others, especially from their mistakes. If we allow it, their life lessons will put us way ahead of the curve, but it still doesn’t change the process.

Is hindsight really 20-20?

We have all heard that hindsight is 20-20, but is that really true? Yes, but only for a moment because continued learning updates everything. Remember, the whole process is cumulative and knowledge is ever changing. We keep building on what we know and as long as we are alive the process never stops (hopefully).

How can understanding and accepting this process help us now and in the future?

3 Ways to make practical application

1. Don’t waste time thinking about “if only.” Your life is busy unfolding right now, that’s where the majority of your focus needs to be. Instead of fretting over how the past might have been “if only,” think about all the valuable life lessons you have learned.
2. Apply what you have learned. Use those life lessons to help you make wiser decisions now and in the future. Knowledge becomes wisdom only through application. You have spent years learning. Always strive to put what you’ve learned to good use.
3. Turn hindsight into foresight. As you look back on your decisions and outcomes you should begin to notice patterns. When you did things one way you produced a certain type of result. When you did them differently, what kind of result did you get? Identifying the patterns that led to good results will improve the quality of your decisions. This is how hindsight becomes insight.

What led me to write this?

This article is my response to an Invitation to “Write about Stuff that You Wish You Had Known Earlier in Your Life.”  While it sounds like an interesting topic, my problem is that I don’t relate to it. I understand the premise, but I honestly don’t relate to it in my personal life.

Are there painful and costly life lessons from my past that could have been avoided by knowing then what I know now? Absolutely! Super heavy lifting has caused me more chronic back pain than I care to think about. Foolish investment decisions have cost me more money than I am willing to talk about. And the list goes on.

Speculation is worthless

Sure, I can see plenty of ways that my life might have been more comfortable if I’d had the knowledge to make better decisions in the past. But who is to say that one of those uncomfortable situations didn’t save my life somehow? Maybe my life would have been better on some level, but that is just speculation. I love my life and every experience has contributed to making it what it is, even the painful ones.

Life is an individual journey and we all experience different things and learn different life lessons right on schedule. I believe that experience is the greatest teacher. Even when academic knowledge initiates a profound life change, it is usually because our journey led us to a situation that made us receptive to that kind of learning.

Everyone grows up with their own beliefs and their own perceptions of what a true love really is. You will have all types of influences, including relationships you see your families and friends involved in, movies, TV shows, and other places as well. There are so many different things that you see, and so many unsuccessful relationships in this world nowadays that many of you are lost when it comes to making a successful and lasting relationship with someone that you really love.

If you are really going to love someone you have to be willing to love with no conditions, and love even when a person is at their worst. Loving someone when it doesn’t seem as though they really deserve it is an attribute that you have to search high and low to find in these days. Not everyone will hold you at your weakest, and not all hearts will love you at your worst, but when you find someone that will be sure to hold on dearly to a soul this special!

It’s not hard loving someone at their best, when they are being good to you, when that person asks you how your day was and how you’re feeling because it matters to them, when this person pecks you on the cheek and makes you the subject of their desires because it makes you feel wanted and adored. You revel in the fact that there is someone out there who is more than willing to trudge through mud, climb every mountain, and cross every ocean for you — metaphorically-speaking, of course, In short, it’s not hard at all that we love that person because they make you feel ridiculously good.

Love is beyond all of that, it’s is loving them at their worst, even with their worst faults and flaws, forgiving and Forgetting their wrong doings, enduring and being kind, always trusting and not easily angered, always trusting and hoping and never failing.

To see them during their bad days, when nothing seems to be going right for them and it puts them in a terrible mood which you must suffer for. you want to see them in all their insecurities; those qualities that they endlessly drone on about in their conversations and what they ask you about, hoping for a denial of said insecurity.

But what you really want to do is to see them at their worst; that extremity where they are at the lowest of the low, where other people would not exactly stick around to see them in that state. It may only be a moment or it may last for a significant amount of time but what all you want is for you to be there.

No, you will not be repulsed by them nor shun them.

In fact, you want to look into their eyes and gaze upon their imperfections and insecurities and realize that you have never seen such beauty in something so imperfect and tell them that everything is going to be okay. You want to be the one to pick them up and carry them through the flames of their trials and tribulations because you want to, unbound by your convictions or principles. You want to forget about how those flames will raze you with their blazing tongues and keep in mind that you are shielding them and you will take comfort and strength in that because they are all that matters to you.

Maybe love is about losing yourself in someone else and having no regard for your well-being because simply seeing that person smile and be happy makes you want to be the reason for it, no matter what the cost.

To see the best of them, and the worst of the, and still choose both.

I wish you were here today, even for just a little while, so I could say Happy Birthday Baba, and see your face one more time.

The only gifts today will be the gifts you left behind; the laughter, joy and happiness, precious memories.

Today I’ll do my very best to try and find a happy place, struggling to hide my heavy heart and the tears on my face.

I’ll sit quietly and look at your picture remembering you, hoping you’re doing ok in Heaven up above.

May the angels hold you close and sing you a happy song, and I’ll be sending wishes and prayers to you today and every day.

You will always be in my heart, I remember your face, I remember your smile,   I remember your laugh, I remember your tenderness, I remember how you protected me and I know you still do.

You’ve been with God for quite some time, but the years will never let me forget, I will always remember you forever in my heart.

Baba, god’s garden must be beautiful, he always takes the best, he knew you were suffering, he knew that you were in pain, and saw your tired face, he then looked down upon the earth, he put His arms around you, and lifted you to rest.

He knew that you would never get well on Earth again, he saw the road was getting rough, and the hills were hard to climb, so he closed your wary eyelids, and whispered “Peace be thine.”

It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn’t go alone, for part of us went with you.

The day God called you home…

– No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.

– You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.

– “Stop avoiding and be present”.

– “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies.  It is not peaceful or prepared.  You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real”.

– A hospital death is not always a bad death.

– A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.

– “There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.

– “Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye”

– Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.

– When people offer support, take them up on it.

– People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do.  Don’t feel bad throwing it away.

– People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.

– People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.

– Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.

– There is no such thing as closure.

– There is no timeline for grieving.  You can’t rush it.  You will grieve, in some form, forever.

– “There will always be regrets.  No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.

– Guilt is a normal part of grief.

– Anger is normal part of grief.

– “The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can”.

– Grief can make you question your faith.

– “Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages.  Grief is messy and confusing”.

– Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.

– Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals.  And that isn’t always a bad thing.

– We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.

– “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”.

– You may find comfort in a very unexpected places.

– “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.

– Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.

– “It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance, if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how”.

– “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.

– Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.

– Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.

– “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.

– Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.

– People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve.  Ignore them.

– “The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.

– There is no normal when it comes to grieving.

– Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

– “It is normal to feel numb after it happens.  The tears will come. They come in waves”.

– Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).

– Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad.  But eventually it can be nice to “introduce” them through stories and photographs.

–  “People love to judge how you are doing.  Watch out for those people”.

– You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.

– Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.

– “Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief”.

– There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.

– Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things.  They may be what you need at the time, but you may regret them later.  Cut yourself some slack.

– Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.

– Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.

– It is okay to cry sometimes.

– It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.

– “Time does NOT heal all wounds”.

– “Grief re-writes your address book”. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not.  People you never expect become your biggest supporters.

– “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it”.

– It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.

– You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.

– Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.

– You will never go back to being your “old self”.  Grief changes you and you are never the same.

– Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.  Eventually you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever.  None of these things will diminish your love for the person you lost.

– Death doesn’t just happen to other people.

– You are the only one who can say how you should feel.

– It is okay to be angry that people say stupid things, but remember they showed up to show their support for you and their respect for the deceased. Remember that, not the stupid comments if you can.

– You may find the person you lost was the glue that held your family/friends together. You might drift apart temporarily or permanently, or you might find new glue.

– Grief, You can’t go around it. You can’t go over it. You can’t go under it. You have to go THROUGH it or you have to go WITH it.

– When it comes to grief, there are no rules.

– Process guilt, but don’t keep processing it over and over to the point that it is harmful or unproductive.

– “Why?” and “What if…?” are unanswerable. The trick is to figure out how to live without the answers.

– You will forget – things about them, or them altogether for a moment – and this will bring a new style of guilt. You will remember them in unexpected ways.

– Sometimes grief will become a habit, it feels safe because you’ve been grieving so long that it starts to feel like part of you, like you don’t know how to be happy, or content, or calm.

– Grieving will feel like you are keeping that person in your life, but you can be happy without ‘letting them go’

– Losing someone you love is like an amputation, no matter how well you learn to get around, you will never be the same.  You don’t ‘get over’ it, you just adjust.

– Every death is sudden.

– Sometimes you can’t physically say goodbye to a person before they die and that can be devastating.

– The term closure is not helpful.  Bank accounts are closed, windows are closed, but the love we carry for those closest to us never closes.

– Too many people will try to impose time limits on your grief.

– It DOES get better.  Slower than we wish, but it does.

– For many people grief is cumulative. Each subsequent death of a person important to us is amplified by the grief we experienced over those who predeceased them.

– People of great faith, profound belief, trust in the Divine, and anticipation of an afterlife are not immune to grief. Those who say if you grieve you don’t truly believe are woefully wrong.

– Do not allow anyone to tell you how to grieve.

– Do not gauge your grief by the way others grieve as everyone is different.

– The death of a loved one does not prepare you for the death of the next loved one.

– Grief can bring physical pain.

– Years later, you may have a moment when you forget that person is dead, and you will lose them all over again.

– Grief lasts a lot longer than sympathy.

1. Chocolate is only a temporary fix.

2. A properly fitting bra is not a luxury. It is a necessity.

3. Your happiness is your happiness and yours alone.

4. How to apply red lipstick.

5. How to wear the crap out of red lipstick.

6. A boyfriend does not validate your existence.

7. Eat the extra slice of pizza.

8. Wear what makes you feel gracefully at ease.

9. Love the world unconditionally.

10. Seek beauty in all things.

11. Buy your friends dinner when you can.

12. Try with all your might to keep in contact with far-away friends.

13. Make the world feel at ease around you.

14. Walk with your head up.

15. Order a cheeseburger on the first date if you want to.

16. Never, EVER bite your nails.

17. Swipe on some lipstick, put on your leather jacket, and sneak into a party somewhere.

18. Learn from your mistakes that night.

19. Dental hygiene is not multiple choice.

20. Take pictures, but not too many.

21. Your GPA is not a confession of your character.

22. There is strength in breaking down.

23. You don’t have to like yoga.

24. Pick a tea.

25. Take care of your feet.

26. Pick a perfume.

27. Even if you’re tall, wear the heels anyway.

28. Classy is a relative term.

29. Like what you like.

30. Offer no explanation.

31. You are no less of a woman when you’re in sweats and gym shoes than a woman in stilettos and a pencil skirt.

32. A woman is a woman is a woman.

33. Love your fellow woman with all your heart and soul.

34. Cry, uninhibited, with your friends.

35. Laugh until you can’t breathe with your friends.

36. Tell me everything.

37. Exercise to be strong and healthy. A beautiful soul needs a sturdy vessel.

38. There is no shame in hoping for love.

39. My cooking is the best cooking.

40. Anna Karenina. I’d like it if you read it.

41. The world spins on the principle of inherent tragedy.

42. Do not be blind to it.

43. Men are effectively idiots until the age of 30.

44. Carbohydrates are not the enemy.

45. Involve yourself in an organized activity of your choosing.

46. Listen to classical music occasionally.

47. Take hot baths.

48. Do not use bath salts.

49. You are more than capable.

50. I promise.

51. Don’t smile if you don’t mean it.

52. Mean your anger. Mean your sadness. Mean your pain.

53. I am always, ALWAYS listening.

54. Travel.

55. Make me furious.

56. Make me worry.

57. Come home smelly, tired, and with a good story.

58. Your story isn’t really yours.

59. You are a compilation of others’ stories.

60. Well-fitting and modest is ALWAYS sexier than too small and tight.

61. Who cares if glitter isn’t tasteful?

62. It’s too much eyeliner if you have to ask.

63. Learn to bake for when you’re sad and I’m not there.

64. Humility and subservience are not synonyms.

65. Wash your face twice per day.

66. Be gentle with your skin.

67. Science is really cool.

68. So is literature.

69. And history.

70. And math.

71. There is no substitute for fresh air.

72. Carry your weight.

73. Make up for it later if you can’t.

74. That salad is not better than pasta and it never will be.

75. You’re fooling no one.

76. Find at least three green vegetables you can tolerate.

77. A smoothie is not a meal.

78. Expect the best from everyone.

79. People will let you down.

80. Bask in the sun (wearing a sunhat and sunscreen).

82. There is a certain kind of man you need to avoid at all costs.

83. You’ll know it when you meet him.

84. What other people say is right doesn’t always feel right.

85. What feels right is where your happiness is.

86. Give thoughtful gifts.

87. Form an opinion.

88. Stick to it.

89. Exfoliation in moderation.

90. Argue with people when you need to.

91. If it’s worth fighting for, fight fiercely.

92. Don’t fight for acceptance.

93. You shouldn’t have to.

94. It’s not your job to keep the people you love happy.

95. It’s OK to disagree with me, and others.

96. You are so very beautiful.

97. There is no single person who can be your everything.

98. Money doesn’t grow on tress

99. Follow your bliss at all costs. (I’m cutting you off at 22, though).

100. Chocolate ice cream, however, might just be a permanent fix.

Mama, you will never know how much you mean to me; you have helped me in so many ways, you have given me advice when I needed it, you have made me strong when I was weak, you gave me a shoulder when I needed to cry, you have held my head when I was sick, you mean everything to me, if only I could give back half of what you have given me, you have made me this woman that I am today, the mother that I am today, you are a remarkable woman, to have you has a mother, I would never have it any other way, you are one in a billion, you will always be my hero, always and forever.

If I knew as a child what I know now, Mama, I probably wouldn’t have made things so hard for you. I would have understood that you were looking out for my best interest, even though it may not have seemed so at the time. I would have known how difficult it is to let go, to stand back and let someone you love learn from their mistakes. I would have realized how fortunate I was to have a mother who was always there for me, even after an argument, even after I’d said things I shouldn’t have. I know how often I took you for granted when I was growing up. I always assumed you’d be there when I needed you, and you always were.  But I never really thought about what that meant till I got older and became a mother myself, I began to realize how often your time and energy were devoted to me. So now, for all the times I didn’t say it before, thank you, Mama.  I appreciate how loving you are, how giving you’ve always been and that even though I may not always be good at showing it.

I love you very much,

Mai

So I travel to LA a lot, about every 3 months or so, I always brace for the impact of encountering airline passengers; when people are treated like cattle, they can hardly be blamed for reacting like baboons.  Here, rules of engagement for the most ruthless form of travel.

Pre-flight
Awkward Situation: Despite the airline calling for people to board by seat rows, 150 people are clustered around the gate, jockeying to get to the front.  You seem only to have two options:  shove your body through the masses like a teenager at a Jonas Brothers concert, or literally be the last person to board (forfeiting your access to overhead bin real estate).

Solution: Follow traditional traffic rules.  A coworker used to works at Swerve, a driving instruction company.  He says most people on the road should already know the common-courtesy rule of “Each one lets one.”  The same applies here.  As you move like so much human sand through the hour glass, let one person go in front of you and then someone else lets you in.  We hope.

Takeoff
Awkward Situation: You are finally seated and prepared for takeoff, when the person next to you reveals the undeniable fact that they are a Chatty Cathy.  Your eyes glaze over at the prospect of speaking for two hours with a total stranger whom you will never see again in your life.

Solution: Engage in minimal small talk until takeoff, wherein you pull a book from your bag and show it to the Cathy, saying kindly, “Have you heard of this author?  She’s supposed to be fantastic.  I’ll let you know how it is!”  And then promptly open it.

Beverage Cart
Awkward Situation: It’s your first official day of “break” and you and your friends are eager for a little yule-tide cheer — in the form of a beer.  Or wine.  Or cocktail.

Solution: Plane rides are not the time to party-hardy.  When you’re stuck in a stationary position and can’t even converse with more than the two people next to you, you’re not in a place to have too good of a time.  Just have one drink and pay with cash.  Order quietly so you’re not obnoxious.  Don’t ask twenty questions to see what brands they carry — check ahead of time by looking in the airline guide in the pocket in front of you.  Then raise a glass and cheers to a safe flight.

Switching Seats
Awkward Situation: The person next to you asks if you would please switch seats with their spouse so they can sit together — but said spouse is 15 rows behind you and in a middle seat.

Solution: If you can swing it for a short flight, consider it your good deed of the week and say you’d be happy to help.  If you are already sitting with your own spouse, kindly explain that you understand their situation but you would like to stay with your traveling companion.  Also, even if you aren’t traveling with someone, you’re under no obligation to move seats.

Bathroom Break
Awkward Situation: You’re practically bursting at the seams after four diet Sprites and two hours of resisting the urge to visit the dreaded airline bath-closet (how could we call that a room with a straight face?).  But there are three people already clustered around the stewardess area waiting their turn.

Solution: It depends on your seat.  If you’re middle or window, get up as soon as possible to expand the amount of time between disruptions of your seat mates.  If you’re aisle, wait until there is only one person or no line at all before hopping up.  Also, keep in mind that the people in the unfortunate seating of the last few rows of the airplane shouldn’t have to stare at your backside that hovers directly in their faces as you wait for the bath-closet.

 

Warm thanks to those of you who sent in great etiquette conundrums.  For those of you who have yet to inquire, feel free to ask about your awkward situation at mai@maioush.com